Co-Parenting is Hard – The Co-Parenting Commandments
Co-parenting is hard. I took a co-parenting class when I filed for divorce. It was required as one of the steps for divorce when there were children involved in the state of New Jersey. I don’t know if other states have such a requirement, but it was immensely helpful for me to have this guide.
I came across an article where a divorce lawyer wrote into Ann Landers that was printed in the Chicago Tribune in 2021, and the list she shared was like a page taken from that co-parenting workbook I got a decade ago. No surprise, considering the source.
12 Commandments for Divorced Parents (Both of You)
- Never make visitation arrangements directly with children under 12.
- Never suggest visitation arrangements you have not discussed with the other parent. Always confirm with the other parent any visitation arrangements made with children 12 and over.
- Send and return children who are clean, well-rested and fed. Do not send or return a sack or suitcase full of soiled clothes.
- Do not use a telephone answering device to screen calls from the other parent or limit telephone access between your children and the other parent, except after your children’s actual bedtime, not the bedtime you would like them to have.
- Do not discuss divorce disputes with your children or allow them to hear you discussing your differences regarding them.
- Do not send messages or money with your children.
- Do not speak ill of the other parent-or of his or her relatives, friends or loved ones.
- Do not ask your children for information about the other parent’s household, friends, income or activities.
- Do not believe everything you hear from your children.
- Do not second-guess the other parent regarding discipline, rewards or anything else.
- Give a sympathetic ear to your children, but affirm and reaffirm as often as necessary that you are not a referee or a mediator between your children and the other parent.
- Be courteous. Do not honk your horn for your child to come out. Walk to the other parent’s door, but don’t go inside unless invited. Have the children ready to go. Always be on time. Smile.
Co-Parenting is Hard
Don’t let anyone tell you different. Whatever you do, consider that your children did not ask for the divorce, nor did they have any part to play in the break down of the relationship. Even though I was the only one who attended that court mandated parenting class, it gave me skills that helped me through the difficulties I had ahead of me once the divorce was final.
When in doubt, seek professional advice, either from a mental health professional with experience in family conflict, or seek counsel. Pro bono work is a thing, and some lawyers can offer free consultations. Do your research. But don’t choose to do nothing at all.