Already Brushing Off the Dust…

Sometimes I think about the time when the marriage began to disintegrate for real, and the stages of grief that followed through several months after the divorce was final. I consider the alterations it affected in me and how I have changed as a person on the inside, but also how the experience affected my perception of things, in particular: MUSIC.

There are entire catalogues of music that I can no longer listen to in the same way as I did in the past (or BMH: Before mr horrible). There are songs that before filled me with longing and now they fill me with loathing. There are entire bands and artists that I can’t hear because to me they represent something ugly about life, or love, or relationships. God forbid I listen to anything that reminds me of mr horrible. That shit is so not happening.

I don’t often listen to the radio, but for some reason today I resisted the urge to fire up the MP3’s in my truck and instead let whatever was airing on the local Texas airwaves be my soundtrack on the ride home, and then this song came on…

Katy Perry is hit or miss with me. Some songs, though catchy, are boring to me, and some songs, like this one are the ones I play on repeat. I hear this one and I want to punch someone specific in the face. And that makes me happy! I love how it gets me fired up.

I find myself listening to different types of songs. Discovering music that I may not have normally listened to by artists old and new. I find myself listening to songs that uplift me, not in the cheesy sense of empowerment, but real encouragement where I feel like I can do anything. Especially if that anything is break free from the box that I put myself in thanks to the traumatic relationship. Wanna talk about a song that gets me all fired up?

I play this if I get an inkling that I might not be motivated to do something, and then I am filled with motivation because if there’s one thing I am certainly going to do, that’s gonna be prove to certain people that they were wrong about me.

My whole life, from the moment I was little to now, I have been battling the preconceived notions about me held by the people closest to me. Nothing gets me more fired up than someone telling me I can’t do something. Then I have something to prove. Tell me I don’t know something? I’m going to teach you a lesson. This song represents that fire in me.

Of all the mistakes that mr horrible made, his worst was telling me that I would never make it without him and that no one would ever love me like he did.

First of all, he’s right on one count: NO ONE would ever love me like he did, cause it wasn’t love and whatever it was was shitty. So unless there’s an exact copy of him out there and I have some kind of mental lapse and get involved with that person too, that’s never going to happen. So there’s that.

Second, I was making it fine before I met him, if anything all he ever did was manipulate and hold me back. Do I have something to prove? Yes. To mr horrible? You bet. To my children? Hell yeah. I am going to prove that their mother is a bad ass mofo and I am not to be trifled with.