Angry As I Wanna Be…

It is crazy to me to my mom is actually mad at me that I don’t feel sorry for my ex-husband. It’s crazy to me that she is actually criticizing the fact that I don’t have any sort of empathy or sympathy for somebody who has remorselessly killed two marriages and has shown little to no respect to me as a person and a woman.

A man that continues to behave in a delusional manner detached from any responsibility for the effect caused by his actions and words. I’m amazed that despite being aware of all this (since she seen me walking 13 years of what has to be the most pathetic marriage ever) she still acts like I somehow have done wrong by being angry at my ex-husband.

She recently told me that I have no right to be angry with the ex. Her reasons ranged from the “you got what you asked for” to “it’s unChristian of you to be mad at him”.

First of all,

I will process through my anger thank you very much. If it wasn’t for my anger, he could have and would have taken advantage of my kindness to have me make all sorts of accommodations for him prior to me leaving.

Secondly,

he doesn’t deserve a better emotion from me at the moment. I spent my life as his wife putting him and his whims first whenever I could playing the impossible to win game of “if I do this then he will change and be a better husband, be happy, be nice and love me”. Look where it got me MOM!

Thirdly,

I am angry because the alternative is to weep and to me, crying is weakness. I spent almost 8 months crying over the death of my sham of a marriage. I wept over my naïveté and my foolishness. I mourned the loss of time wasted on a WORTHLESS MAN who spent his every moment with me sabotaging my happiness, my success, my confidence and once he did that finding ways to help me feel like complete shit. Yeah, Mom–he’s lucky he got left alive. Ok?

Lastly,

if I don’t direct my anger somewhere and attempt to suppress it, I will just fester on the inside and it will poison the life I have now. Hell to the no. I ain’t goin out like that.

Given her history with the POS she divorced (my dad) she doesn’t have a lot of data to support her theory that her way is any healthier or more effective. From my perspective she deflected much of the fallout from her divorce at me.

The mother I remember from the years after her divorce was a powder keg of irrational outbursts, often blowing up at me (sometimes my bro) over seemingly nothing. When in fact it was her anger at the divorce and her subsequent lifestyle that instead of admitting she was pissed off at that, she took it out on me.

She wonders why we didn’t get along growing up? How would you like to live with Katie KaBoom never knowing what was going to set her off because no matter what you said and did she just wanted to lash out at somebody and who better than her mouthy independent daughter? So, no. I don’t think her methods worked at all. She suffered and in turn made me suffer because she chose to be a doormat and waited until MUCH too late to own her anger and actually point it in the right direction.

By the time she “got angry” and chose to show it, 20yrs had passed. By that time no one knew what she was so perturbed about and since her anger and bitterness was grossly out of time/context, she came off as irrational and crazy, ended up feeling even more frustrated and persecuted than before. So again, epic fail for her methods.

Eventually I will no longer be mad at him, but until that day comes, I’ll be as pissed off as I wanna be, thank you very much.