Divorce: When a Marriage Is Over

In the wake of news that seems to be shocking the nation , I feel compelled to weigh in. Not because I’m invested in the fate of the Afflecks and Garners of the world, but because after going through my divorce, I finally understand.

I’ve seen what goes on behind the curtain–so it’s easier to spot the signs of a marriage that was over before an announcement was made.

Divorce is a tricky animal, but marriage is trickier. Everyone wanted to talk stats,  and about how hard it’s going to be on the kids. But the real concern that is harder to address is how hard it is on the woman who tried to keep things together in the presence of a man who only seemed to want the idea of marriage, but none of the actual responsibility.

I was in fact, reminded of mr horrible. A man who for all appearances wanted the trappings of a family,  and enjoyed the benefits that came from such an arrangement*, but gave nothing to the relationship overall and seemed less inclined to convert his bachelor ways to adapt to the larger lifelong responsibility of responsible parenthood.

Becoming a father is easy. Jizz in a cup can do that. Being a parent, a real dad, is a whole other level. And that level is where I think Affleck is ready to de-board the marriage train. Maybe I’m being judgemental (so what) but there is just something about the personality of that man that doesn’t make me think that he was working as hard to keep that marriage together as she was. I know this* to be true about mr horrible because of the following incident…

mr horrible goes through these manic spells where I won’t hear from him for a long time, then suddenly it’s like he just won’t go away and he is up my ass all the time.

About a month ago, he stepped out of the woodwork, and drunk dialed me.

mr horrible on a good day is a crap shoot of crazy, mr horrible on a bender, however,  is a headache inducing spinning tea cup ride. Loneliness and drink I hope assume drove him to introspection and he called me wanting to talk about why things didn’t work out between us.

I surprised myself by being able to have a rational conversation about it–confirmation that I am finally entering a good place mentally about the relationship. What that means is: I am able to loathe him, but without the need to express it all the time.

The call came on the tail-end of a string of phone calls where it seemed he was going to be able to talk to me like an adult, like maybe he was learning to get over himself and talk to me like a person worthy of respect. So in the interest of maintaining better relations, building bridges and maybe eventually living the hipster dream of being decent co-parents, I took the call.

The first thing he said though was revealing: He missed how easy he had it when we were married. Well no shit, Sherlock. I did everything for you and for our family. All you had to do was sit back and shamelessly take all the credit… but I said none of that because as I keep reminding myself: I’ve divorced him. I have nothing invested in him anymore.

Anyway, that is how I know that he really had just coasted through the relationship.

For him the marriage was just something that made him look good.

Who gave a shit if behind closed doors he had emotionally/verbally abused his partner to the point of making her question her own sanity, right? Who cares if he then decided to turn that same attitude of disrespect on his children? He treated me like crap, and eventually he started on the kids.

It was at that point which my tether broke and I was like “Aw, hell no!” and I said no more of this. F that right in the A. It’s one thing to abuse me. But over my dead body was he going to do that to MY KIDS…. but let me get off that soapbox because I can pontificate on that for HOURS and it’s not really part of this point.

Back to the phone call… eventually it circled back to how if only I could do this one thing for him, he could have back everything he lost when I left. How if only I had just “shown him” that I loved him, he would have been different. Unfortunately, that is just not true.

In the 13+ years we were married, no matter how much I tried to “show him” I loved him, HE never saw, felt or heard my love. He actually claimed I never said “I love you.” Were this the 17/18th century, I would demand satisfaction for that obvious slight on my character! How dare he?! Never said the words, my ass! But…deep breath… it doesn’t matter anymore. This is part of why I left.

I can’t change the past and I can’t change him. I am not so sure he realizes the same holds true for me.

He can’t make me change so that I am able to express love in some fashion that it translates to him in a way that he feels appreciated and validated by it. I don’t think I have the emotional DNA to speak his love language. (I pray for whoever does) It is because I know this about myself that I know we cannot be together (despite his hinting that I could take him back, pffft…) and I know that we just do not work.

Well, that and the inexplicable working of my brain that does not forget every slight/insult/slur/curse/lie and betrayal he has committed.

Despite my protests and explanations, my words fell on deaf ears. Alcohol maybe had addled his mind and as the night crept on he tried to sex me up over the phone and I wasn’t having any of that nonsense.

mr horrible was notoriously indiscriminate about where he felt the need to stick his dick (apparently)–and on that fundamental issue we still definitely disagree so I am not complimented by his attempt to sex me up over the phone, especially when he is still with that other bitch.

But old habits die hard, I guess, so what else am I to expect from him but that? Achievement unlocked, and his ultimate douchebaggery level reached, I ended the phone call and went to bed.

My take away from that session was that he doesn’t get it and he probably never will.

Thanks to my “experience” I have seen first hand when a husband checks out of a marriage. I wonder if anyone really understands just how come the Affleck/Garner marriage was probably over long before the words were in the paper, or the first moving truck appeared on their street. Only they will ever know.