You’re Such an Ass, Your Butt Dialed Me…

I am so glad I did not answer the phone that day. Nothing ruins my calm faster than talking to mr horrible, except for voice mails from mr horrible.The phone rang, but I didn’t answer it because caller ID said it was mr horrible and fielding that phone call had all the potential to ruin my mood on a day when I was going to spend the evening hanging out with my two favorite people in the world (my kids). They deserve better than a rotten moody mother. So I let the phone call go to voice mail.

Two days later I got around to checking the voice mail. Since checking my voice mail is one of my least favorite activities, no matter who the caller, though I am sure the caller didn’t help to expedite the process–imagine my surprise when it turns out that he didn’t even call me on purpose! Oh joy of joys.

Wow.  A butt dial from the biggest asshole in humanity! The ‘joy’ only increased when I heard not only his voice, but the garden state twang of is paramour as they discussed whatever fucked up plans involved entwining his future with hers in some sick cohabitation plan as she tries to disentangle herself from the inconvenient weave of her current husband.

It seemed he was too stupid to realize his phone was on and transmitting for three whole minutes, and apparently she caught it, I heard her saying “Oh God!” like she noticed that his phone was on and had dialed me, and the recording stopping at that point. I confess I did listen to the recording several times out of morbid curiosity, though I lost interest once I figured out that none of it was about me, which was all I wanted to know.

Which begs the question, why the hell did his phone dial me? Doesn’t he have another number stored in his phone that his butt could have dialed accidentally INSTEAD of me?? Why am I still plagued with this nonsense? I can’t even recall the last time I actually spoke to him on the phone…so why was my number the unlucky recipient of his butt dial? I escaped to Texas hoping I wouldn’t have to put up with this!! I understand a phone reaches everywhere…but a girl can dream!

It’s been four days since his gaff. On the one hand it is entirely possible that he hasn’t called because he is in a panic wondering just how much I heard. (*spoiler alert* I heard information regarding her escape plans that though I could care less about, indeed it is information he definitely never intended for me to hear.) On the other hand he could be waiting for me, expecting that I would be curious to follow-up his voice mail with a phone call filled with questions. (*spoiler alert* Not gonna happen. EVER)

In the end, it doesn’t matter because all scenarios point to the fact that he is a colossal asshat, and for all the “missing” he supposedly does of his kids, he hardly ever calls them. In a perfect world he would just stop calling them altogether thereby removing the painful expectations that he will call, only to disappoint them daily when he doesn’t.

Even though they don’t ask, I expect that they think it and wonder why yet another day passes and they haven’t heard from him. One day they will come to realize that he squandered a relationship with them to pursue an adulterous relationship with another person and replaced them with her children. Hopefully when that day comes they will have absorbed so much of the love I have for them that there will be no space left for that pain to slither into and take root.