Alone versus Lonely

If there is one thought that has been lingering on my mind over the last several weeks is the pros and cons of remaining alone. Sometimes I wonder if I am just making a martyr of myself post-divorce, or if I am truly meant to walk the earth a lone wolf.

The underlying fear is that I am turning into my mother, and not to cut off my nose to spite my face, I don’t want to overcorrect either. 

So what to do? How can I tell which is which?

I don’t know if it was the unexpected sunshine of this late December Texas weather, or if I was just feeling particularly buoyant in the brief respite before I am struck down by my monthly cycle, but I was outside and ticking some things off my household to do list, and I saw this dude walking down the alley toward the park, and a few thoughts went through my mind.

First was that I was wondering if he lived up the hill, or if he was visiting, as I had not seen him before, which was notable as he was attractive. Second, was that regardless of that, I didn’t care that I was outside looking like I had just rolled out of bed. 

One of the points that mr horrible used to throw at me when we would be in the middle of a fight was that I was going to end up alone, just like my mother. Or that I was pushing him away because I wanted to be alone just like my mother. Or some variation thereof, but basically that I was going to turn into my mother. That I needed to stop doing whatever or saying whatever it was that displeased him. And clearly his words did not fall on deaf ears as we stayed together for almost 15 years. 

However, eventually, I did leave, for very good reasons, and have been alone since, going on almost 7 years. In that time, I have been approached by a handful of men who have asked me out, or propositioned me for hookups. None of whom I have indulged, all were denied, for a variety of other reasons. 

However, the dormant romantic inside me sometimes wakes up and wonders what if?

This of course brings with it follow up questions like why would I want to do that all over again? And can I trust again? And will my kids like them? Would they be good with me not wanting any more children? And where would I even begin to meet someone new? 

All the questions are debilitating and I lose interest in pursuing someone new. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am staying alone out of stubborness? Purposely denying myself companionship out of a determination to prove something to the world? To the ex? What exactly? It’s not getting back together with him. Hell no. So why? 

I am not lonely. I relish the time I have to myself. I am content with my own company. I like singular pursuits like reading, and writing, journaling. Collecting fountain pens. Watching movies and binge watching Netflix shows. I like cooking, but it’s kind of a chore now since my kids are young adults and are perfectly capable of feeding themselves when they are hungry and don’t have to, and usually don’t, wait on me. 

So it’s not that I need to be with someone. It’s not that the things I do require another person, or would be better enjoyed with another person. But there are some things that are sometimes better with another person. Like travelling. Then again, there’s a lot of drawbacks to doing something with another person, as I well know. Drawbacks that kept me from doing that travelling because I had to bend to the whims of the ex, who didn’t want to do anything with me apparently. 

I think what I want is a friend. I want someone who I can hang out with but that I don’t have to please. Someone who isn’t expecting me to be touchy feely or have feelings for them. But even friends can be exhausting and dangerous. 

Case and point the couple C&C who I thought were good friends, even had them over my house, and hung out with them and introduced them to my kids. But they were just using me for my truck, and my resources, and my time. They didn’t really appreciate my friendship, as they proved when they proceeded to stab me in the back, spreading lies and malicious rumors, which made it really uncomfortable to continue working with them. 

Fact is, short of the friends I had from when I was younger, who I am not close with only because we no longer live near each other, every other friendship I have made in adulthood has withered and died. They betray me, use me, or abuse my kindness. Basically, I have mad trust issues with other people and their intentions. I am good with acquaintances, and surface level friends. 

Like the people I work with. They are great. Lots of good personalities and people I think I could really spend time with. However, there are things that I keep separate from them, and they all still haven’t met my kids. Probably because the last time I introduced some work mates to my kids, they fucking stabbed me in the back. So I am overly cautious now. 

But I am concerned about how I have isolated myself. It is something that my mother did. She didn’t make friends with any of the people she worked with. She talked shit about everyone behind their back and to their face. She openly hated them. She hates her sisters, her brother. She belittles every single one in her extended family. She is pretty fucking crazy. She left the guys who wanted to spend time with her. 

So, am I turning into my mother? Because that is my #1 fear. No joke. I am deathly afraid that I am becoming some twisted version of her and I do not want that. Granted, I don’t talk shit about the majority of people I work with. Aside from the mexican dude at work who still gives me fucking death eyes when I pass him, everyone else is fairly cool. And I do have friends even though for me, sometimes maintaining even those relationships is exhausting. I know myself well enough to realize that some people are so high maintenance, I can’t compromise enough to be with them, so I bail. 

There is one benefit to not having ties to another person. Professionally,  if I move up and have to transfer to another location, something I am very open to doing, it is easier to leave when there is nothing tying you down. So that fact goes firmly in the PRO column. The main CON: my mother. I reject the idea that she might think she is right about her lifestyle and that I agree with her and therefore adopt it for myself. Being alone isn’t for everybody. But it very likely is for me.