10 Reasons to Why I Hate Riding in a Car With My Brother

Unfortunately, I’m having some trouble with my vehicle, so I am forced to take rides to work from my brother. How much do I want to kill myself on the way to work? Let me count the ways..

1. He monologues.

He is apparently not a fan of Depeche Mode because he cannot Enjoy the Silence. For the entire car ride, I am subjected to a TEDtalk about everything I never wanted to hear about. We don’t have conversations, he just lectures. He can pontificate for an hour about the most BORING bullshit for an hour straight. I would he amazed if I wasn’t so fucking annoyed.

2. He won’t play music

He plays music in the car when he is by himself. As soon as I get in the car he turns it off. I suppose so he can talk. (See reason 1). The few times that music is playing, he tells me shit about the music he is listening to, or the reasons that he listens to it. Which brings me to the next reason…

3. Terrible decision maker

He has to justify everything, which means every decision, such as changing lanes, has to be explained in full and talked about ad nauseam. It also causes me extra anxiety as his inner monologue delays his reaction time, so I’m 50% certain that my life is forfeit because he’s going to rear end every car that gets in front of him. This personality quirk is sadly not limited to car rides as it permeates every corner of his life as he hemms and hawws every minor change until he is catatonic with indecision. Which leads directly to the next reason…

4. Riding the right lane on the highway for NO reason!

The interstate is the fastest way to work. There’s the free route, and there’s a tollway. Most days we take the free road, which has a lot of exit/entrance ramps so the best lane to be in if you are driving through is the middle lane. If there is one thing that is certainly bigger in Texas are the roads. 3 lanes at the minimum, often 4 or more depending. So why does this motherfucker insist on parking his ass in the right lane so instead of moving along at a steady clip, he is forced to apply the brakes every half mile to allow a car to merge? Damned if I know. Ugh. Average speed on a 70mph road? 45 mph. Shoot me now.

5. Drives slower than molasses in January.

He has zero sense of urgency, even when he is late for work. The same commute that takes me 35 min when I drive (going the speed limit) takes him 45min to an hour. What the actual fuck? There’s no traffic. How did we lose time? Were we abducted by aliens? I have taken a picture of the signs on the highway, you’ve seen them, they’re the ones that give you estimated travel times to the next distance, usually a major interchange. Then I watch the clock. Easily two times the given estimate even with no traffic on the road. How is this possible???

6. Camps out in the left lane.

Ever wondered who the asshat is that sits in the left lane going the speed limit or less? I’ll tell you who: my brother! He’s gotten passed on the right by minivans! I have to wear a hoodie and sunglasses to mask my shame. His comment as they ride his ass to encourage him to get the fuck out of that lane: What’s their hurry? Seriously.

7. He prefers it hot and stuffy.

This is Texas where it is hotter than balls 48 weeks of the year. It is almost Halloween and it still gets to 85+ degrees during the day, sometimes with humidity. My brother hates the cold and prefers it hot and muggy, so I have to suffer sitting in a car with no air circulation. It’s gross and disgusting. Speaking of disgusting…

8. Does not cover his mouth when he coughs/sneezes.

Thanks asshole for sharing your fucking germs with me and getting me sick. If he covers his mouth, he expectorates directly into his hand and does not sanitize before he touches multiple surfaces with his infected hands. OMG.

9. Refuses to blow his nose and instead sucks snot for an hour.

Cringe worthy behavior for sure. He clearly has to blow his nose but instead prefers to suck it back and then talk around the mucus globules floating about in his sinuses. I CAN HEAR IT and it grosses me the fuck out. And it’s not logistics, because I’ve handed him a tissue and he has turned it down stating that he didn’t need it. Yeah? Well I don’t need to hear it rolling in your mouth either you nasty fucker.

10. He makes me hurry up to wait.

So he will rush me out of the house to meet him in my driveway, or rush me out of work because he’s already in the parking lot. Only for me to get in the car, and then he sits there for 5 to 10 minutes poking around on his phone! Seriously? Why was it urgent that I get there quickly when it’s apparent you were not ready for me.

Whatever old man habits he had when he was younger, have evolved Pokemon style to reach this onerous final form of Oldmanus Ridikulous. One day soon I will hopefully emancipate myself from this unfortunate rideshare situation. When that day comes I will never again ignore the upkeep of my personal vehicle so I can be free to travel by myself, listening to music, while being relatively germ free.