Behind the Music: Post-Divorce Triggers the Pit of Despair

Listening to certain songs triggers me. I consider it growth if I can listen to songs again without losing all emotional control. There are a few songs that continue to toss me into the pit of despair. Let’s explore these five triggering melodies and the reasons behind the music that put them on the list.

Top 5 Songs That Trigger My Pit of Despair

These are the songs that will send me into a pit of despair. As a result, I will not listen to them in order to maintain my mental well-being and peace. It could be considered Main Character energy to feel like I should have a soundtrack playing in the background of my life.

I listen to music often enough that some memories and songs are intertwined. This sometimes means that bad memories will make some songs triggers. Dark times ahead. However, I had to search for the number one song because I had put it out of my mind on purpose and forgot what it was. But I can confirm that yes, it is still the number one song that will send me spiraling into the pit of despair.

Number 5 – I <3 U So – Cassius

Mostly because the title and the lyrics say it all: I love you so, and why I love you, I’ll never know. Listening to this song makes me want to kick myself in the teeth. Therefore, it is on the list.

Number 4 – Sail – AWOLNATION

This was another song on heavy rotation on a playlist during the toxic marriage. Unfortunately, it was also my alarm sound during some rough years post-divorce and so it reminds me of the dark times. I was not in a good place mentally and this song is triggering. Therefore, it too is on the list.

Number 3 – Upgrade U – Beyonce

It is the principle of the thing. I literally worked to make that lump of an ex into a halfway-decent adult, finishing the job his mother left unfinished. What do I have to show for it? Mental health issues, and a legacy of divorce, while he has moved on to another victim. This song triggers me. As a result, it is also on the list.

Number 2 – Countdown – Beyonce

I used to prance around singing the lyrics to the song like it was my mission in life to list why, despite all the crap he had put me through, I was still hanging on. I was, in retrospect, trying too hard to convince myself, along with everyone else.

Unfortunately, this song made the list of active triggers. It was on a playlist that I used to listen to in the car for many years during my toxic divorce. These years were spent naively thinking everything was fine.

Spoiler alert: everything was NOT fine.

And the Number 1 offender

The story behind this song: I have a lot of playlists. When I drive, I listen to a lot of music. Most of the time, I controlled the music, even if I wasn’t the one doing the driving. It just so happened when we were in New Jersey, that the ex would request that I play this song all the time in the car. This surprised me, and I thought this odd because this is like dubstep; the fool is not that cool.

Did I heed the clues in the lyrics? No. I was too busy paying attention to the bass line to realize that he was passive-aggressively weaseling out the marriage. I can’t even.

The lyrics of this song make me want to set the world on fire. In a rage-filled way. Fuck that asshole. Even now I want to kick things, and slash tires. I absolutely cannot listen to this song without wanting to punch the ex in the face. Repeatedly.

And there you have it. These are the five songs I absolutely cannot listen to anymore. Just when I think I am in a good place, these songs can bring on bad feelings in a New York minute.