Bah Humbug – The 2020 Holiday Blues

Every winter, as the holiday time of year approaches, I wonder if I will be bit by the Christmas bug, or if this will be the year I am immune to the Christmas spirit? It appears that this year, in true 2020 fashion, I have no holiday cheer. 

To explain, I have to hit rewind: Halloween was a strange time, I was fresh off the COVID travel quarantine and I hit the ground running on my first day back to work. It was like I was starting October all over again. 

The Animal Crossing Time Paradox

In a small way I was. For anyone who plays Animal Crossing New Horizon (and is not in the anti-time travel camp) will understand that I had missed all of the October halloween activities. So when I finally got a Nintendo Switch of my own, I was determined to start again from Oct 1 and work my way forward the present day. I don’t think it completely contributed, but it certainly kept me thinking backwards in time. 

Suddenly it’s November, and as Thanksgiving approached, I tried to think forward. That ended up being a complete disaster, from which there would be no recovery. Which meant, no stressed out holiday plans with my fucked up family. 

Having adult sons means that they either care or they don’t care about the holiday. My youngest son is the most sensitive, but he was caught up in his own personal life drama, so I tried mostly to stay out of his way. My oldest son is ambivalent and usually takes his cues from me.

Unfortunately, I was in the midst of the worst allergic reaction I have had since I was a teenager, which had me questioning my life choices and hoping for better days. Dealing with that took up all my energy and focus, so there was nary left over to deal with Christmas. 

2020 just piles the shit on, so add to it extra money troubles thanks to the COVID quarantine, and then add job-related pressures at work. I was stressed out up to my eyeballs. Its a surprise I wasn’t worse off.

Christmas Tree Fail

The pre-lit tree we had used the past 3 Christmases since we moved into this house I forgot had a whole section of lights that no longer worked thanks to the cats. I didn’t have the money to replace the tree. I considered reusing the tree anyway, but I was almost 100% sure that when we cleaned out the garage during my quarantine we had thrown out the box of lights that I thought we would no longer need. 

Then it just seemed like every day I got home, it was a little later. I was a little more tired. And I had to make the decision, spend what little time I had before I had to wash rinse and repeat doing things for the house, like looking for decorations and cleaning for them or  playing Animal Crossing and get caught up for the present day events. 

Decisions, decisions. 

Clearly Animal Crossing won. My ACNH island life is so much more peaceful and organized than my real life. It’s Sims circa 2002 all over again. 

Next thing I know, its the weekend before Christmas and I have no decorations, I am trying to scratch 2 coins together to get by, and I am pretty sure that I am failing motherhood because I have no presents for my sons. It also doesn’t help that their father sent each of them $400 gift cards (yes, they opened that gift early), I mean, really, what can I give them that I haven’t given them already? They literally have everything. 

I refused to be totally in the downy dumps. I had to scrape enough money to go to the dermatologist because whatever I was allergic to, my reaction had gotten to the point where it was keeping me out of work.

Thank fuck the doctor knew exactly what to do. Got my prescription (thank fuck for good insurance) and my expensive ass miracle cream, and things are looking up. I can see and I no longer want to tear off my own skin.

The Text to End it All

Predictably, my brother pulls his head out of his ass and sends me a message acting like the Thanksgiving Incident never happened. Like all scammers, it is a phishing attempt to get an invite back to my house in time for Christmas.

In the spirit of 2020 I have zero fucks to give. So I let him have it. 

I tell him that maybe the fact that he’s acting so nonchalant after basically ruining that holiday with no apology since is why I am not in the mood to entertain him. 

I was not surprised by his reply: 

Nothing less than expected from someone who thinks he has done nothing wrong and is only giving me the apology he thinks he has to give. It is insincere, and is worse than no apology because it is an insult to my intelligence. 

But it has definitely nailed that coffin closed. It is only going to be me and the boys.

In true MacGyver fashion, I manage to come through with a brilliant plan for affordable gifts that I know they will like. I even manage to sneak them into the house with no one the wiser. I know they haven’t gotten me anything. And that is okay. I am not my mother.

I don’t want gifts in return. I don’t want to expect gifts, years of PTSD from getting terrible gifts all my life has left me wary. Like Trojan horses in my history, they have left battle scars on all major events of my life.

Secret Santa Roulette

There is a lot to be said about the family you choose, and my work family certainly came through for me this year. I thought we were only doing the Secret Santa we do among the Leads in the department, and I was disappointed by the name I pulled out of the hat as it was the useless addition to our team who still managed to confound all expectations that she would rise to the occasion and showcase some actual skill.

No matter, I flung myself into the quantity over quality figuring she wasn’t going to like my gift anyway. What do you get someone you really don’t know when you aren’t allowed to exchange a gift card? An equally impersonal gift basket from Costco.

It seems that was the theme of the day because the person who pulled my name from the hat got me a gift basket too. I took it home and gave it to the boys to devour, it was mostly snacks and candy… except I called dibs on the caramels and caramel popcorn.

But secretly, with no expectation of reciprocity, my friends got me gifts. But even better? They got me Animal Crossing themed gifts. A notebook and pen bag (because I love notebooks and pens and hell yeah!) and decals for my Switch. It was the loveliest thing they could have done and it certainly reached the cold cockles of my dead and bitter heart.

Which meant I was going to have to buy them presents, because shit. That was a really nice thing they did.

Is December Almost Over?

I never did end up putting up a tree. On December 21st, the day my idiot brother sent me that text, I got home from work and I asked him if he minded that I had not decorated the house for Christmas? I mean it was already halfway through the month and it was around the corner, at this point seems hardly worth it. To which he hilariously replied, what are you talking about, we have plenty of time to decorate. I was like, what? No! Christmas is 4 days away. He was like, no way. Its not that close to the end of December yet. I said what? He was like, isn’t Christmas on the 31st?

I had a good laugh with him about that, but it was clear it wasn’t going to be an issue. My youngest just seemed relieved I wasn’t asking him to help put any decorations up. Last year I had them helping me for days since we decorated our tree up for Halloween. It was up for months.

So Christmas has arrived. Because I stayed up for 24 hours straight for work the night before Christmas Eve, I got home early and passed the fuck out until almost midnight.

My youngest son had gone out earlier so after he got home, and it was after midnight we gathered in the living room and watched the last episode of the Mandalorian (thank goodness because Episode 15 ended on a cliffhanger and I was annoyed af about it). They were surprised to have gifts to open, but I pulled them out of my hiding place in the living room and they were really happy with what I got them. It wasn’t anything big or even super expensive, but it was meaningful. Christmas officially happened.

After that was over, they went to bed, and I, having just woken from my winter’s nap, stayed up to play Animal Crossing until it was officially December 25th in the game which happened at 5am.

So there we have it. That is Christmas 2020. The holiday to end the worst year of life, probably not the worst year of my life, but it’s right up there with the big bad ones.

Bah Humbug.