Be Still My Traitorous Heart
I don’t know whether to be encouraged or outraged that at my age I still get all flustered in the presence of a fine specimen of maleness. Is that a good thing? I am sure my face went slack and I just stared like a goofball. I would be embarrassed at my utter lack of composure but ain’t nobody got time to dwell on that shit. The moment has passed and I can’t undo it. At least I was wearing clean clothes. Ha ha.
This is the second such incident with this individual. Funnier is that I shared a class with him all last semester, but I sat on the opposite side of the room from him, and if I recall correctly, slightly in front so unless my head swiveled like an owl I never saw him. I’m pretty sure my lab partner used to talk about him but I never paid attention, or maybe I was too depressed and bitter to care.
In any case, I notice now. Holy cow, do I notice. I consider myself a fairly level headed person, not easily flustered or swayed by a pretty face, but my brains seem to turn to mush around him. More specifically, my brain ceases to function when he is talking to me directly. Is he sneaking up on me on purpose? Probably not, that would imply some interest on his part and I suspect that is SO not the case.
It’s just me, getting all girly flustered in his presence. My recollection of the incident is somewhat flawed, given that my brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders for those five minutes, I suspect on some level my heart rate instead of speeding up in some fight or flight response brought on by the rush of adrenaline, instead my internals switch to slow motion. My blood practically coagulates in my veins because even my nervous system is misfiring and has ceased to automatically function. What is this sorcery?
Let me replay the incident: I’m working, assisting another student, when he walks into my office and it’s like I go stupid in the head. Where did he come from? Did he materialize because I swear I didn’t even hear him approach. I know he spoke, I saw his mouth move. I had to repeat the question he asked me because I heard the words but they didn’t seem to form cohesive sentences.
What in the world is wrong with me? Good grief! I would wonder if the other student in the room noticed, but I hope they were too busy filling out the forms I gave them to notice my behavior. I’m a grown ass woman, I have no business mooning over some dude!
In the meantime, someone should notify my limbic system because it seems to think it’s perfectly appropriate for me to get all googly headed when he is near. Good grief.
