Ennui Creeps In – Every Day is Exactly the Same

Every day I drive to work, do my job, then drive home. Wash, rinse, and repeat. Every day feels exactly the same. It is not an unhappy situation, and I am not even sure if I should fight the wave of creeping ennui. But I worry that I am going to snap.

I have these episodes where I struggle to wake up in the morning. Every night is a fight with the insomnia that keeps me from sleeping. I have a super comfortable mattress, but I avoid getting into bed because I know once I fall asleep, the next day is going to be more of the same. Then when I finally do fall asleep, I have a hard time rising from my bed grave.

I don’t dread the day, but I am not itching to face it either.

Basic tasks have lost their appeal.

It is a good thing my sons are young adults because I would feel bad if they were going without just because I couldn’t give a damn about making dinner. It’s like they better feed themselves, or else.

COVID19 brings out the crazy in everybody

The pandemic is just nailing the coffin shut on my willingness to be outside. I don’t like crowds anymore. The weirdos and their random fight against the usage of masks is really triggering my anxiety. They practically froth at the mouth, their insane fight against basic protection is so volatile, that I feel that those people are literally capable of anything.

So I stay home. I go to work, I go home. I never enjoyed grocery shopping, and I enjoy it even less now that it feels like I am waiting for some idiot to just go ape and start shooting their guns.

This is Texas after all, it is not unexpected that someone could be carrying. Heck, I saw a bumper sticker that said “I carry” on the back of a pickup truck on my commute home from work today. Thanks random stranger. I really needed that bit of information about you. Crazy asshole.

Texas is hot. All the fucking time.

I am beginning to hate living in this state. Every day I wake up and it’s a billion degrees outside. The inside of my car is hot as the fires of hell if it sits in the sun for 30 seconds or more.

Nothing outside is fun in this heat. Sitting on my patio to enjoy the view? Never. It is hotter than an oven and the 10 minutes at sundown that it is tolerable outside, is also the time when any bugs that have survived the baking heat are most active. So, fuck that.

It has been a while since I have gone through something like this, and I don’t remember what I did to break the pattern the last time. I hope I find a way out of this slump before next month.