Same Old Mistakes
I read an article recently and it triggered me because it was right. I have not dealt with the wounds from my past to even get to the part where I move onto another relationship. Theoretically, I think I want to date again, but I am not so sure I won’t repeat the same old mistakes.
The first sign that our past is affecting our present is that we tend to attract the sort of personalities that hurt us. We want to fix these unfixable types. But the fact is that they don’t want to be fixed because according to toxic types like my ex, and my frenemy Jem, there is nothing wrong with them.
Guilty of Trying
I am totally guilty of trying. Thinking back, I believed that I could fix the ex, save him from his self-destructive behavior and I spent every minute of the 15 years I wasted on him fixing every problem he had. Or at least, attempting to. I think every person I have gotten involved with I think I can fix. Even my friendships.
[…]people can sometimes repeat behaviours to make up for the falls of their previous ones. In psychology this is called repetition compulsion, and it essentially means you’re trying to fix the past by pursuing similar situations or people who once hurt you. 11 Signs Your Old Relationships Are Affecting Your Current One. Business Insider, 2022
Echoes of the Past
When the ex and I would argue, I would have these slips where I would call him “Dad” and it would piss him off, especially since he knew how I felt about the man who is my father. He knows I loathe and do not respect him because he doesn’t respect me.
The ex would do things that would trigger me – because he acted just like my father. I would then have these mental out of body moments when I would be looking at myself having this argument wondering – what the fuck am I doing here? – then the moment would pass and I would be back in the maelstrom of emotional abuse.
Jem, the frenemy, sometimes reminds me of my mother. Her (now wife) Paloma, reminds me of the ex on every occasion that she opens her mouth or does something hateful when among our collection of friends. I can look back and recall several people (of the ones who hurt me) and I am pissed off because I like to help people, and I feel manipulated.
As time passes I grow increasingly bitter because of the scorpions on my back whom I knew would sting me as I helped them across the proverbial river of life.
Can’t Save Everybody
I can give out the advice that we can’t save everybody. Friendships, relationships both personal and professional, acquaintances, will suffer casualties. Can I take the advice? Current me? Yes. Old me, not so much.
Learning to let go is a difficult skill for those like me who suffer from the trauma of our past. For starters, you can’t fix those who don’t want to be fixed, those who are unwilling, those who don’t think they need it, who aren’t ready to hear the truth.
How can I confidently pursue a relationship with another individual if I am crippled by the fear that I will not have learned from what happened before? That I am bound to repeat it and I will spend another minute doing something so monumentally stupid?!
I also read somewhere that it’s not my fault, that I have to accept that I was browbeaten by a narcissist (my mother, my ex, my father) into believing the terrible things they said to me that undermined my confidence. I know it. But I don’t care. Do you know that part I mentioned about you can’t save everybody? Yeah, I don’t think I am ready to be saved yet. I still haven’t gotten past my thoughts that I am unfixable.
How long is enough?
[…] take some time to readjust and re-learn to be yourself, without the other person in the equation. Taking this time to learn about yourself and reflect on your relationship can do a lot to help the next relationship be a success.11 Signs Your Old Relationships Are Affecting Your Current One. Business Insider, 2022
So what is enough time? The article said that I have to take the time to heal by myself. The time to reflect. I get that. I didn’t do the rebound thing. Next month it will have been 9 years since the divorce and I have not pursued any personal relationships. Is that adequate time? Why do I still feel so traumatized?
As the anniversary of the divorce approaches, I am dismayed that it took me so long to reconnect with myself. Facts: Apparently, there is a lot of deprogramming that comes from a 15-year toxic marriage on the heels of 20 years of emotional abuse and manipulation from my parents.
Clearly, I was fucked. If I don’t get to the root cause of my trauma, then I am bound to continue repeating these personal relationship mistakes. So here I am working through the issues one at a time. Let the journey begin.
