Smartphones and the Art of Listening

The other day one of my professors attempted to teach one of my classes a lesson on how to listen. The gist of the lesson being that not everyone listens as well as they think they do.

Some blame the current generation and their technology obsession, or just blame technology period.

I don’t think that tech is entirely the cause because there are plenty of people who are terrible listeners and they don’t have the excuse of being distracted by some shiny gadget…

In this case it was both the topic of discussion and the little picture of someone holding a smartphone with the quote about Respect (that I stumbled upon somewhere on the internet), that got me thinking about recognizing the signs that you are NOT being listened to.

Part of the class discussion was coming up with a list of obstacles to listening. This lesson seemed especially hard for one guy who was repeatedly shushed during the discussion (awkward!). It was hard for a few more, as a requirement for the lesson was to put your smartphone on the table in front of you and place it face down.

I watched as one after another, the worst offenders were reminded to leave their phones alone.

It was quite comical, and a little sad, especially for the ones who had revealed in their introduction that they were single and without children. What, exactly, was so pressing? I still haven’t figured that out. It did remind me of the character Jeff Winger (Community), and how he uses his phone and texting as a crutch to keep from having to look people in the eye.

It is possible that the professor was attempting to use the lesson as an illustration of the class rules about etiquette and being polite to others when they are speaking aloud in class. It could also be that she has felt ignored and her authority undermined. I am not sure her method was the most effective way of addressing this situation, and for many the concept may have just passed over their heads. In the end, all it did was remind me of an incident in my past.

As a rule, I don’t share from my personal life in class.

The end result is that sometimes when I could share aloud a perfectly applicable example from my experience, I don’t, and therefore have nothing to contribute to the conversation. It still brings it to mind. Case and Point: It was late in the divorce proceedings. Circumstance and finances on my part meant that I had to bear staying in the same house with Mr Horrible, even after he knew I knew about his affair, even after he knew I was leaving him, and even after I knew that he took this knowledge as permission to openly carry on with another woman in front of me.

I was subjected to his double standard on a daily basis.

One evening, we were in the living room watching television. It was one of those “keeping up appearances” situations, an event orchestrated solely to make happy in front of the kids. I was less willing to keep up the act of being a “happy family” when things were so grievously wrong, and the man sitting near me on the sofa was so blatantly lying to everyone, me, the kids, his son (my stepson), and especially himself. He thought that these moments spent together on the weekends would make up for the wrongs he perpetrated Monday through Friday when he was at work messing around with his married co-worker.

The more time passed, the closer my divorce date, the less I could keep up the charade.

My rage simmered too close beneath the surface. My depression was barely kept in check in front of Mr Horrible.  My only relief was my smartphone (an iPhone at the time). When things would be at their worst, or he would make a comment that I had to bite my tongue to hold back my reply, I would reach out to my best friend in Virginia and text her for support. It was the only thing I could do in order not to start a fight in front of the children. My son and daughter knew that I was barely keeping it together, and they did not fault me for texting with my best friend all the time.

Apparently, mr horrible felt otherwise and told me that I was being rude to him by having my phone out and using it while we were watching television together, pretending to be okay around each other. REALLY? He’s going to raise a stink because I am not focused on him? Does he think he’s being polite or respectful to me when he carries on his affair after I have told him that I know about it and that it is hurtful for him to do so when we are still living together? On scales of rudeness, my phone usage is not even on the same level.

Thinking back on it, any respect for him went out the window as soon as I discovered his affair. Respect has to be earned, it isn’t given automatically just because. In his case, he had done more to make me lose respect for him that anything I had ever done and could ever do. I am amazed he thought he had any right to still expect respect from me, and then to actually take offense when I don’t pay him attention and openly don’t focus on our “pretense” by texting with my BFF at the same time. He is lucky that is what I chose to do, versus the alternative of what my inner self wanted to do: choke the shit out of him and then shove one of the sofa cushions over his face and suffocate him. Like I said, lucky.

I could have also shared (but didn’t) the many ways that mr horrible illustrated “how not to listen”. Ever talk to someone who cracks jokes when you are talking about something serious or sensitive? Who makes fun of you and what you are saying, even when what you’re sharing hurts or you’re looking for comfort? Ever try to have meaningful conversation with someone who refuses to lift their face from the screen of their laptop? How about when the topic of discussion is the scholastic fate of their children? No? That’s never happened? Well, that was my life. My marriage.

Living with mr horrible was the equivalent of never being heard, listened to… whatever. It sucked. Nothing I wanted to share in class though!

By the end, I don’t think anyone learned any real lessons about what makes a good listener, or how to recognize the obstacles of that prevent good listening…