Words Fall On Deaf Ears…

I should have written the point paper. I was going to write a paper. I talked about doing this at length with my best friend over the phone. The intention was so I could say my piece to my brother without interruption or tangents. More specifically so I could keep a cool head about me.

In the end I made a mistake and capitalized on an opportunity to have a dialogue with my brother about the current difficulties we have been experiencing since we decided be roommates. I should have saved my breath.

I knew it was a mistake to divert from my original plan to use his place only as a launch pad. I had never intended to stay here in his apartment permanently, but I was seduced by the idea of pooling our resources and therefore being able to afford to move to a much larger place together, something bigger than what I could afford on my own.

We had talked about the financial benefits of it over the phone, and shortly after my arrival in Texas. However, I failed to have the conversation with him that covered my expectations for how we would interact as an extended family living together. I realize now that there seems to be no way of making him understand that being roommates does not give him parental rights to his nephews.

He is practically a stranger to his nephews, only seeing them sporadically at holidays over recent years, and before that his last contact with them had been in their infancy. This point fell on deaf ears, and he disregarded it as he did the majority of my discussion.

My brother and I have always been different people, even some of my earliest memories were of understanding that on basic levels, he and I do not see eye to eye. Where we could bond as children, time, distance and becoming adults has driven us in different directions. Unfortunately, I see too much of an idealist in my brother, and as a realist, I cannot cope with his delusions of perfection and how supposedly easy they are, in his mind, to attain. Nor will I remain in place and put up with his verbal abuse when things aren’t to his “standards”, and my kids don’t act how he thinks kids should act. Fuck that shit.

That is the crux of our disagreement.

I expected a place of refuge, a sanctuary from the madness that I escaped when I left New Jersey. Instead, I feel as if I have been tossed into another conflict of the same magnitude, once again living with another person who refuses to respect my wishes or opinions and will not hear me out. Someone who has the audacity to tell me I have no right to feel the way I feel. It is insanity.

Worse still, I feel that my children are under attack by my own sibling. The betrayal! He isn’t even trying to be sensitive to the fact that I have a lot of healing to do, and so do my kids. I am flabbergasted every passing day by how insensitive he is to this basic need. It’s like because he can’t conceptualize the need to emotionally recharge, it is not important and therefore not a real thing. I thought he would be more reasonable.

Apparently being intelligent does not imply having emotional intelligence. His cold and calculating manner has driven a wall between us I am not sure time will ever heal. He doesn’t realize the damage he has done to our relationship.

Deja vu, I am living with a self-centered narcissist.

It is untenable to think that I have to endure living in his apartment until the end of their school year as I cannot afford to move out just yet. It is unlikely I will remain in the same school district, no matter how great it is, but that is probably due to the upscale zip code and the tax dollars that it brings in. I will have to go where my budget allows, and that will mean moving once again.

The unbelievable thing is that despite me telling him after our argument tonight that I was done and I would eventually move out on my own, he was so adamant in his belief that me going off on my own is stupid.

What does he expect me to do when he refuses to compromise and he has made it clear that the only way to live under the same roof is “his way or the highway”? Obviously I am choosing the highway!

I am not helpless. I got myself to Texas, I can get elsewhere on my own too.