10 Reasons I Hate Watching Movies With My Mother

I take my movie watching seriously and over the years I have come to hate watching movies with my mom. There are 10 things can ruin my movie watching experience and will cause me to lose my shit.

My mother is one of my least favorite people to watch movies with because she consistently breaks my 10 cardinal rules of movie watching. It started out with beefs I had about watching movies with my mother, but mother, brother… they’re practically interchangeable to me and only thrive in each other’s company. They are both intolerable company so I avoid watching movies with them at all costs if I give a damn about the experience.

Here is the list:

1. Don’t ask me what’s the plot seconds into the opening sequence.

If it’s the first time watching the movie, it’s unlikely I know any more about what is happening than you do. Part of the experience is to watch it unfold on the screen as it happens… even if I have seen it before it is unlikely I will tell you. I will not ruin it for anybody with a badly worded synopsis.

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2. Quit asking me to fill you in on what you missed when you doze off.

Yeah sure. Let me recap the last 15 minutes of this fast paced movie I’ve never seen before. You snooze, you lose!

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3. Don’t fall asleep during the movie.

For God’s sake don’t fall asleep during a movie, especially after you’ve shit on the hundreds of other movies I wanted to watch and finally settle on the one movie on Netflix that satisfies whatever need you need fulfilled with this movie watching experience. Nothing chaps my hide more than realizing that I am suffering through a movie alone when I could have been watching what literally anything else to the same effect.

That just makes you an asshole.

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4. Foreign language films with subtitles are not a good time to have a conversation.

Just because I’m reading the subtitles doesn’t mean I can or want to hear you talk. The makers of halfway decent films have taken the time to select actors and record the sound of their voices come out of their mouths. Just because that movie track happens to be in a language I don’t speak doesn’t mean I don’t derive enjoyment from hearing the cadence of their delivery.

So please, shut the hell up when we are watching the movie. Just because there are subtitles doesn’t mean that I want to hear your commentary during the movie instead of reading. OMG.

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5. Do not attempt to guess the plot twist out loud as we watch the film!

If I wanted to know the plot in advance I’d have read spoilers off the Internet.

If I haven’t seen the movie before, this REALLY pisses me off. If I have seen the movie before, it pisses me off. Even if I can guess what is going to happen, I am not the asshole who voices this knowledge out loud thereby ruining the movie for everyone around me. Just stop.

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6. Stop asking me who is the bad guy/good guy.

Keep track of the characters yourself. And do it quietly. I will not answer “Who is the bad guy?” questions more than once, if at all. Seriously? I am not your script coordinator. How hard is it to keep track of who is who? Unless the movie is that badly cast that all the actors kind of look like each other or it’s a movie about multiples/clones/twins, then it shouldn’t be that difficult–and guess what?

If you shut the hell up long enough and watch the movie, you may just hear your answer in the dialogue.

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7. I will not play let’s guess the actor’s name with you.

As much as I love me some IMDB, if I am not at home where the glare of my phone screen isn’t going to disturb EVERYBODY around me, I am not answering these questions for you. When I am watching a movie at home I will quietly surf my phone to answer all these questions for myself, but at least, for god’s sake let me decide if I want to answer, and pause the movie! Don’t just keep talking during the crucial scenes and dialogue of the movie, because then you miss stuff and then come all the questions like “Who was that?”.

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8. Not every movie is based on a true story. Keep your ridiculous naivete to yourself.

Unless the movie starts off with the words ‘based on a true story’, it’s probably not based on a true story. It is probably also only as real as the sets and green screen effects purport it to be. Nothing drives me more bananas than hearing someone say “Ooh, I think this actually happened!”. No. I am pretty sure it didn’t… good grief.

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9. Quit asking me questions about the movie. Wait until after for the Q & A.

I usually want to just watch a movie. Pay attention and enjoy the movie like it was the first time seeing it all over again. That’s how I roll… I will not be happy to field a hundred questions about the movie unless it is truly essential. I didn’t write the movie, I’m not going to do a running commentary.

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10. Hitting pause to talk or share your ideas during the movie.

My brother is guilty of this more than anyone. We’re watching a movie and suddenly he has a thought and he MUST share it right that moment or he will EXPLODE…

So every time this happens he’s asking me to pause the movie for a “quick second”, opening the avenue for him to then pontificate for an indeterminate amount of time on whatever he’s thought of. OMG! A regular-length movie can take ALL NIGHT to watch if I don’t remind him we need to finish watching the movie at some point.

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There are few pleasures I have in life. Sadly, it seems to be my mother’s/brother’s mission in life to ruin them all for me.