Life After Divorce, 2555 Days Later

Is it really to have a life after divorce? It seems to be elusive. According to a recent article I read, it is impossible. Let’s review the evidence.

I read an article recently that was written by a woman my age lamenting that she would never find love after divorce. I sympathized with her almost until she got to the part where after her divorce she kept dating and then eventually got pregnant and had the baby by herself. I was on board until that part.

No judgement, it’s just that is a choice I would never make for myself. Which got me thinking…

Rewind to the beginning

Rewind to the day I found out I was pregnant with my eldest, I experienced what could only be classified as an “official life event”. I know that is a term used when you’re making adjustments for benefits and health insurance, but I legit felt my life shift. I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror (because where else would you be to take a pregnancy test) and I told myself that the life I knew up to that point was over. Forever.

I looked in the mirror and the reflection showed me someone whose every decision made from now into perpetuity would affect her and her child(ren), AND the option to act selfishly would always come with serious consequences. I literally mourned the death of my former self. Mother me emerged from the ashes. 

Fast Forward to Today

So fast forward back to the present day and me reading this article and it got me thinking about my life right now. The lady in the article had been divorced for 8 years. I have only been divorced for 7, so close enough. She has dated a lot, and is still asking to be set up, still looking for that love connection.

In contrast, I have not dated once. Psychological trauma and divorce related PTSD aside, I never considered dating as an option for me. Not only because another relationship seemed super troublesome, but more because focusing on my children seemed more important. 

For starters, they never asked to be brought into this world. Secondly, they also didn’t ask to be children of divorce, to come from a broken home, or to have to deal with the fallout of what turned out to be a VERY ugly breakup between their parents. Thirdly, it didn’t help that they were living miles away from everything and everyone they knew up to that point all because their mother had to move to preserve their health and safety after the divorce. 

It didn’t matter that they were military kids and had moved more times than many of the adults I’ve met who have never left the state of Texas. There was enough transition, I didn’t want to have to invite more into their lives for no good reason. 

So me + dating, was immediately off the table because it was just not fair. I had already spent most of their lives focusing on cultivating the toxic marriage I had with their father. They didn’t need me pulling focus away from them any longer. 

They don’t know it, but I sacrificed a lot of attention that I could have lavished on them sometimes to focus on their self-centered, manipulative father. The ex certainly didn’t go out of his way to spend time with them.

Evidence: looking through all the family photos, he is in about 10% of them. The rest are all either just the kids because I was behind the camera taking pictures of them, or selfies that I took of myself with the children because there was no one else to take our picture. 

The majority of our family memories were of just us. There was a short period of about 3 years when I was not with them all the time because I was away at sea, but I left the military shortly after that so it was just me and them for the 7 years after that. And it has been just the 3 of us for the 7 years after the divorce. 

My children are now all grown up. They haven’t left home yet, but they don’t really need me like they did when they were younger. We still spend time together, even more-so at this moment because of the stay at home orders (I am taking full advantage of this gift horse). But does their being grown up mean that I am ready to move on?

That is the question that reading this article raised in my mind. The person writing the article responded to the mother’s query about her search for love, the mother asking whether it was fruitless or would she eventually find “the one”. The writer had the clinical response about loving yourself and giving up on pointless searches for fulfillment that don’t lead to anything. With the additional whimsical piece of advice that love, if it is meant to be will happen when you aren’t looking for it. Aww, how Lifetime TV of them. 

All valid points. You can’t seek validation from outside sources if you don’t already feel validated from within. You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. You can’t expect someone else to fulfill you. You have to be happy being alone because you are with yourself 24hrs a day for your whole life. All that and then some. 

We have heard them all. 

Have I reached that pinnacle of self-actualization where I feel validated on my own? To some degree.

Does that mean I am ready to find someone else? Not at all.

My self-preservation settings are still on Ultra-High. I do not trust easy. I have a hard time taking what people say at face value. I am still trying to prove to myself that I am valid.

Honestly, the idea of being in a relationship again terrifies me. The thought of sharing parts of myself with another person, leaving myself vulnerable to another person, is unacceptable.  

I described this to a friend recently: Just thinking about being with someone else, and having to consider their opinions and feelings, I can feel my blood pressure rising, my heart rate increasing, and I begin to sweat. It’s the fight or flight response.

That can’t be healthy, right?