Mistaken Identity
As a new stay at home mother, late in the game, with kids that are of school age, it is not something that I have eased into. If anything, I am resisting the title due to the two types of SAHMs that seem to live in my area.
The first faction are the pampered, college educated, apparently useless wives of men who make more than enough money to support their family. Their affluent lifestyle affords them big homes in a closed community, BMW SUV’s to shuttle their 2.5 children from soccer to dance, from dance to karate, then lastly to the tutoring service.
They take yoga classes during the day, and shop for the most expensive items at the grocery store, buy all the clothes full price at the GAP, and lead seemingly useless lives. If they are feeling inclined they poke around in their garden wondering if they can grow lavender in their semi-sandy soil, and wouldn’t it just be a gas to take a master-gardening course that has a retreat in Italy for two weeks!
The second faction are the complete opposite. They have little education, their faded domestic minivan is parked in the driveway of their run-down home in a noisy neighborhood. Their husbands work two or three jobs, and are never home long enough to help the women raise their unruly 2.5 children. The kids basically run wild in the neighborhood because the mom sits on her crummy couch all day watching soap operas and talk-show TV.
They shop the sales at Walmart, combining their clothes and food shopping in one trip to save time, usually because they have to take the whole brood with them. They don’t have hobbies or take interesting classes. If they have to take on some part time work in the evenings, they might drop their kids off at a friends house so the kids can do their homework there while she goes to her minimum wage job working at Wendy’s.
I have sadly known the two types, most of them seem to go to my church and I don’t want to be lumped in with either of them.
I hate telling people that I stay at home now when they ask me what do I do. The teachers at school are the worst, and assume that you are uneducated because you stay at home. Do they consider the ridiculous costs of childcare? Do they consider that you may not have an extensive network of available family and friends to rely on for this childcare? Probably not.
Other service providers, like the manicurist or the hairdresser look at you like you are too lazy to do this stuff yourself, so you better be leaving a big tip you lazy cow. Or, must be nice to have a husband who’ll work so you can sit on your ass you pampered cow, you better leave me a big tip.
Either way I get screwed. I don’t like being associated with either type.
However, I all but scream stay-at-home mom when I fill out applications since my home, work, and daytime phones are all the same number. When I show up to school to pick up my child 5 or so minutes after they call to tell me my child has a fever and needs to go home. When “anytime” becomes a good time to schedule an appointment because I am virtually free all day.
The stigma may only be in my mind. But it has been a superbly rough transition from having a full time job, especially a military job, to staying at home. Which in itself is a full time job, but not the sort that gets a lot of respect, or can be easily quantified. As I see, it is filled with a lot of assumptions.
Sadly, the middle ground of stay at home motherhood, populated by yours truly, is a lonely ground. If there are others in this largely underground movement, we need to get better connected, if only to band together against the other women who give our ranks a bad name.
