RSA (aka Reluctant Step-Parents Anonymous)
I always said I would never date anyone who had been previously married, and although that one was somewhat negotiable, I thought I was totally firm about children from a previous relationship.
I have been giving some thought lately to the role of step-parents around the world, and my place among the ranks as a reluctant step-parent. I say reluctant, because when I met my now husband way back when, I broke one of those ridiculous cardinal rules single people (mostly single women) make for themselves about who they are looking for in a perfect mate.
My mother never remarried after my parents divorced, and secretly I was always happy about that. I thought I should never want to impose that kind of life onto other people, more specifically: someone else’s kids and me as the “other mother”. So everyday I have to kick myself for that basically; this situation is of my own making. I chose to enter into this relationship, knowing that he had a son from his previous marriage.
Which brings me to the crux of the matter. I can’t help how I feel about my step-son’s biological mother. She is, in my opinion, the poster child for birth control. So, I dislike his mom, and I see in him everything that is bad about her.
Lets add to this that I don’t understand the mind of 12 year old boys. There is no support group for me that I know of. So as a result, I am often called upon to play the role of evil step-mother. I am currently counting down the days until the end of school, because he is going to visit his mother for a month and a half. She thinks she’s making out with extra visitation time. What she doesn’t realize is that is a carefully orchestrated vacation for me from him…ooh…I am so bad.
18 Comments
FeelingGuilty
So glad to have found this, I’ve been feeling soo much resentment towards this poor little boy that I’m becoming consumed by it and the resulting guilt.
Is the general consensus for those that have stayed, that if they could go back in time they’d find a man without children?
I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year and I do love him but this situation kills me, we only have his child every other weekend but even that is too much for me, we only have a one bedroom flat so his toddler has to stay in our room..it makes me even more resentful, the volume of the tv in the living room is turned down and I am forced to go to bed far earlier than I usually would because in my boyfriends words “little ……. wakes up between 6 and 8”, even going into the hallway calls for a barrage of ‘shushes’ from my boyfriend, I know he gets secretly annoyed at me flushing the toilet, he knows it’d be a step too far to ask me not to and I know it annoys him so I do (see how childish this situation makes me?!) then I have to tip toe into my OWN BEDROOM with constant reminders to “be quiet”, I get my phone out (it’s on silent) and I’m just flicking through it trying to get tired because I’m in bed much earlier than usual and BAM he leans over and turns the brightness down. He falls asleep rather quickly with his loving girlfriend by his side and little precious only a few feet away and I lay awake the entire night feeling enraged and uncomfortable and oppressed..if his son cries in the night i feel even worse..like the hulk confined in a box with a mixture of dread because I know his son can only cry for so long before the inevitable..3 in a bed, and I feel so uncomfortable I could throw up.
If the boy wakes up very early and has not already been placed in MY bed he will be then where his daddy/my boyfriend puts a kids film on the tv and falls back to sleep with his son wriggling around Inbetween us giggling and pointing out characters whilst simaltaneously trying to make his way up and out the bed..and I’m in hell. Having to somewhat engage this child that makes me so uncomfortable I could puke and so resentful I could go on a murder spree whilst my boyfriend doses off again.
OR as my boyfriend works and I don’t he asks me to watch his son for a few hours in the morning whilst he sleeps.
The day is then spent watching rubbish kids tv, trying to pry this toddlers grubby pudgey little mitts off my things and make him behave with the pets.
And what really winds me up?! His father is NOT a natural, kid is ALWAYS put to bed with a DVD, never a book. He is awful at discipline, doesn’t set clear boundaries, lets kid play with almost everything and then snaps when child goes too far and breaks something, he does not play with the child and tries to encourage him to just sit infront of the tv, child can throw food on the floor with little to no discipline, yes some of my things have been broken and though they are not big flashy or expensive, they are mine and my boyfriend just laughs if off or blames me for leaving it within reach. He always wants me to bathe his kid because he’s too busy “setting up the kids bed” when it comes to bed time I’m a third wheel, my boyfriend will say to the kid “we’re going to watch a film together, just you and me” which to me implies he’s saying “it’s ok now you get to spend time with just your parent”, sometimes I will say goodnight to the kid but it’s followed promptly by my boyfriend telling me to go away as my mere presence will apparently keep child awake..yet if he “needs” a cigarette he’s only too happy for me to sit with kid and try to get him to fall asleep.
Also, my boyfriend EXPECTS his parents to have his child, is actually out out when they have other plan. I’ve commented about how good they are to have him 9 times out of 10 and his response is “why wouldn’t they? They want to see him” he is not grateful in the slightest, is actually annoyed when they ring and ask if he can collect child because they have to go out. He says he loves his son and I believe he does but he has also told me he regrets having him, the ex isn’t great either.
Also, I have to pick up after kid. He takes him home and leaves the living room a state for me to clean up, the whole weekend he doesn’t do any washing up, he’s left dirty nappies around and I’ve found congealed bottles of milk in the kids bed days after he’s left, also I have to do all his sons washing, I do not work, I have bipolar and anxieties and would live to work, I’m taking all the help I can get to make it a possibility, because I don’t work and my boyfriend does, he’s actually said I should pick up after his child..is this correct? I don’t work so I’m not always sure where my home role should end?
Also my boyfriend gets moody with me everytime he has his son and I have plans for the weekend, I’ve tried telling him how hard it is for me and he just says “get over it, you should have gotten over this already”
Help!!!
LisanoL
Okay, I am going to be very blunt and keep in mind that this is my opinion:
Get out. NOW. While you still can and before it gets worse and you do something terrible like marry this man.
Your comment reads like a page out of my book and all I can tell you is, it only gets worse. It never gets better. If I could go back and do it all over again, yes, I would have never gotten involved with my now ex-husband because he had a kid from a previous marriage AND he was not a responsible parent, nor a good ex-husband to his first wife. I learned my lesson the hard way.
Not kidding. Cut your losses. It’s not worth it in this specific case unfortunately.
Again just my opinion but I sincerely feel for you and your situation.
Good luck and all the best.
Jessie
thanks again, and you are so, so right- thank for the perspective injection. :o)
I survived an evening with step-son 2 (the 12 1/2 year old) last night. He’s actually the most mature and civilized of the three of them, but is still so overindulged and never told he may be impolite or rude thatI just bite my lips till it could bleed, lol.
He hadn’t been in my home for 5 minutes when he started telling me how much he hates my country (I’m not American) even though I don’t think he’s ever been there and that if he meets someone from my country and they do something “typical” to us then he’ll punch them in the face “so hard”. Of course, this was taken as ribbing or joking or goading so Dad didn’t say a word about it.
(I however got a talking to on the way home hours later because I’d mentioned some work I’d done in drug counseling and since he’s been raised with real judgmental, extreme right wing, (when convenient) mothering and I was trying to get the point across that addicts can be selfish and sick etc, but that they’re still people worthy of help in helping themselves and that they can form almost families within themselves as a support system if they feel they can’t trust anyone else. Basically trying to remind him that there is life outside of pampered suburbia and some people actually have to live it. Dad told me I was “romanticising” drugs and that they’re trying to teach him drugs are bad, period. This is after dad’s smuggled booze into the event we were at).
Despite being on a timeline, we had to go to three restaurants before we found one that Litte Precious liked (which he didn’t like after I’d put out $25. But he told me in the car that “I could keep the leftovers” since he didn’t like them. Gee, thanks- I only paid for it, lol!).Still dad sees nothing wrong with driving all over town and waiting in line at different restaurants to keep him happy.
The event went long and dad had to be up at 6am for work (and was up early for work that day) but Little Precious told him, “tough, we’re staying till the end, I don’t care what time you have to go to work”. But again, taken as “joking”.
I can’t really blame the kid- it’s like meeting a feral person and expecting him to have table manners. He’s just the opposite. Wrapped in bubble-wrap and being told he’s awesome and can do no wrong his whole life (he was a “miracle baby” since mom was in late 30’s and had already had a miscarriage). Mom literally still sleeps with him as far as I know (hopefully that’s changed when her new boyfriend sleeps over) and until recently used to dress and feed him on a regular basis. None of the kids are responsible for doing dishes, taking them to the kitchen, so how can I expect much out of him, right?
Again, thanks for letting me rant and get my thoughts in order so they don’t just fester inside me. You’re completely right- I need to make sure I’M happy. Since his kids would love nothing more than for me to be unhappy or, more accurately, that their dad is unhappy with me.
Thanks again!
Jessie
have you found a therapist? Or do you think you’re past the worst of it now? Please let me know if you think it’s useful.
I know if I go, it would be just me (basically me learning coping skills and not feeling so alone). I’m out with my husband and one of the kids tonight -he’s bringing him home, will need a quick recharge since he started work early so I’ll be alone with the 12 year old (first time seeing him in over 2 months) for an hour or so until the three of us go out. Tomorrow night he invited his daughter to go to a show that the two of us were planning to go to. I don’t really mind because it’s a public show, but it’s more for “older” people and she’ll likely be bored (she’s 23 and spoiled, indulged and incredibly immature). Again, I’m trying to go into it with an open mind, but I have the feeling she’s going to get all judgmental and look down her nose at me (and therefore make my husband feel bad/stuck) if I open up and have a good time.
We’re planning to move out of the area in 5 or 6 years and I’m looking forward to being thousands of miles away from them, truth be told. I’m just worried that he’ll change his mind at the last minute because he suddenly has an attack of “daddyhood” or if the daughter gets pregnant or something. I’m trying to not go looking for problems but also need to be prepared- I don’t think I can take too many more surprises or blindsides from this situation.
Thanks for listening to me rant, means a lot. :o)
LisanoL
No, I haven’t found one yet, and I definitely will. Still looking. I am not past the worst of it, I don’t think. I think therapy is incredibly useful, for ourselves, which really is all we can affect with any success.
Reading about your upcoming “date” to the show with your husband that your 23yrd old stepdaughter got invited to, I am reminded of the life I have been forced to live and I say to you “Who cares if she looks down her nose at you? Why should you hold back from enjoying yourself on the possibility that your bitch stepdaughter might be put out by it? And even more importantly on the possibility that her dad might be made uncomfortable by the way his daughter might react to you?” I say this because for the last seven years that I have been forced into this indentured mothering of his son/my stepson, I have turned myself into someone I LOATHE because of the possibility of avoiding the same kind of scenario that you just described. Was it worth it? Hell no. I became morose, strict, introverted and all in all I hated it. I wanted to be carefree, spontaneous and happy all the time, but my stepson is the biggest pill you could possibly imagine, just as you describe your stepdaughter, bored, spoiled, indulged and overall convinced he knows so much more about EVERYTHING despite being incredibly immature. His dad is unbelievably immature himself and unable to cope emotionally with any kind of outburst. I spent so much time trying to control everything about how his son might react in order to keep his dad happy (which never succeeded anyway) that I sabotaged any chance I had at my own personal happiness, and in the end, isn’t that what really matters? I mean, when I wasn’t happy, I found it harder to create happy moments with those around me. So I caution you to put the feelings of someone who doesn’t give a crap about you anyway ahead of your own.
I hope he doesn’t change his mind, that would really suck for you. Some men (and women) just lack the balls to follow important decisions through. I agree that you need to be prepared for any eventuality because anything could happen in the next 5 to 6 years.
A similar situation happened in my youth, I think that is what passed that caused the parting of my father and ex-stepmother. They were supposed to move to California (clear across the country from us on the East coast) I knew it would have been a big change, but it would have made her happy, and it would have been better for him. But he used us as the excuse of why he couldn’t go, eventually she divorced him and moved to CA without him. He, unfortunately, blamed us for her leaving him. He should have pointed that finger at his own lack of balls in making a decision that would have saved his marriage. I neither cared, nor needed him super close to me. He wasn’t all that involved in raising me anyway and his involvement decreased tenfold the older I got. In the end, all his blaming just caused a rift that was never repaired, and I finally just cut him loose. He would have been much happier with her if he had only not been so selfish.
Hang in there Jessie! I love rants, feel free to do so here any time! 🙂
Jessie
I’d love to find a “stepparents’ anonymous” group in my area. I love my husband dearly. His kids 23, 20 and 12 are (and I can’t believe I’m saying this about ANYONE let alone children, let alone the kids of a man I love, care about and respect) the most selfish, narcisisstic, indulged, rude, self-possessed a-holes I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. I don’t see them often and keep going into each meeting with a “this is a fresh start and opportunity for me to do better” mindset, but they’re just so immature and full of themselves that I always walk away with a stiff upper lip, but truely sad and hurt.
He’s doing the whole guilt thing (long story, but in a nutshell he’s always provided, been involved, supported, been gentle and understanding; however the mom is a little OCD or something and basically cloistered them from the “real world” so they still don’t have to pay bills, move out, buy food or laundry unless they want to, etc). Her focus became so involved on the kids that their marriage of 30 years fell apart- it still took him almost 5 years to leave even after she told him to and he went back once or twice.
Due to other issues, my kids are angry at me and I haven’t seen them in months. I’ll occasionally get a message if I message them, but I know there’s a lot going on there (including my ex that suddenly took a hate on for me, even though we’d been apart for 8 years and got along fine. I believe that once he found out I wanted to get re-married he decided to get back at me through my kids, 16 and 20. I’m not able to see them or go to them right now so I know the time is coming, but right now can’t be it). However, it still hurts to know that all the work, love, care, friendship, parenting, responsibility and soul you put into parenting these two people seems to be undone within a few months by an angry ex. I have work ahead of me on that front and that’s OK. Knowing it’s out of my control right now helps on the logical level, but can hinder when it can occasionally poke at seperate issues I’m feeling with my husband and his kids.
So, I’m trying to focus on what I can change and I’d love a relationship with my husband’s kids but they’re so closed off. Due to his guilt, he doesn’t seem to want to “share” them with me so it’s like he wanted a division line and he got it. It works for him, it definitely works for them but I feel unwanted and disrespected. And hurt.
LisanoL
Jessie, there really needs to be many step-parent anonymous groups in every area because what I am realizing is that we are all suffering alone! You are to be commended for even trying to create a relationship with his kids. The fact that they are spoiled brats isn’t helping anything or anybody. Unfortunately, that is going to be an uphill battle, the lines have been drawn as you said, by your husband and it is possible that line may never be breached until he is ready for it to be so…and who knows when that might be. It begs the question, though, what did he really expect? Did he expect you to want to ignore them or pretend they don’t exist? Just curious…
It is truly awful that no only do you have to suffer being rebuffed by someone else’s kids, but you are being rebuffed by your own kids thanks to your ex. That sucks big time. Being a mother is already a thankless job. Being one who now has to witness all the hard work,effort, blood, sweat and tears that was invested in someone appear to be all for nothing because we are shunned at the slightest provocation is salt poured into an open wound. It’s like getting kicked when you are already down… You are absolutely right. It really hurts.
It is unfortunate that your ex is so petty that he would not be happy for you that you wanted to move on and get remarried. What’s the big deal really? He should be glad, not mad! What was the big deal? Hang in there Jessie!
Jessie
thank you so much, vidafuries. To be honest, I was worried that this thread was dead and I felt so much amazingly better just typing it out and “putting it out the the universe” (not to mention how good it felt to know I’m not alone-not that I’d wish it on anyone).
The stuff with my kids I just try to push to the back of my mind since I know it will be dealt with in time (kinda the Scarlett O’Hara “I’ll deal with it tomorrow” philosophy, lol) when I’m able to physically see them again.
As far as my husband, I don’t know what he expected. I guess I foolishly expected things to go on the same way they have over the years we were together before we got married. It also hurt that when he was in hospital for a surgery for almost 3 weeks, even though all three of his kids live in the same town, not one called, sent a card or visited (until one wanted to know what kind of painkillers he got and could they have some). It hurt me because it hurt him but he seems to be able to forgive and forget, but to me it just seems like he’s so close and so desperate for any little crumb that these monsters will send his way that he’ll give up his self-respect and the respect I have for him.
Now I’m in the strange position. He’s trying to include me with more things with his kids, but between them and him, there’s such a wall, in my heart of hearts (boy, it’s easier to be honest with your emotions when you’re anonymous on line, lol) I don’t even care if I see them again.
It’s strange- I don’t feel any jealousy or possessiveness as far as other women or his friends; male or female, but I almost instantly feel jealous/defensive/envious/deserted when he spends time with his kids (partly because I feel they’re all just using him). So now both of us are sort of damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
LisanoL
Wow. That is a tough situation. You are right. It is damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Sometimes it’s just not worth putting yourself out there when you know the people you are trying to reach/influence probably aren’t even worth the trouble. Sure is tough.
This thread is most definitely not dead. For sure, once I get through the situation I am in, I will be posting more about my experiences. I too feel much better just getting it out there.
lindairvine
8 years is a long time, especially having the live with your stepson. I find living together day in and day out makes things much harder. I have no excellent advice for you Valerie. I so wish I did. It might help if you could find people in your life who understand how frustrated, trapped and angry you must feel. One of the real turning points for me was reading a very good book: Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin. That book was the first glimmer of hope I felt that I wasn’t broken or evil – that my feelings might be legitimate. I recommend you find a copy and read it if you can. If nothing else, you will feel understood.
LisanoL
Thanks Linda. I will have to read this book. It might help me to feel understood. (Might even help me to heal) I agree that finding people in your life that can understand the situation that we are in is important, but it’s a lot easier said than done. I have been blessed with amazing friends, but none that have been in my unique blended family situation, and they tried to be understanding but they never understood, not really. It has been a big obstacle in my long and bumpy marriage not having someone to understand. I think maybe if someone had been able to say “Hey, you’re not alone! Look, I’m suffering too” it might have helped me deal.
Lesson #1 from this experience: If the step-child is the man’s from a previous failed relationship, he will never understand what it means to have to raise a child that is not your own, and how detrimental it can be to harangue the wife you have entrusted with raising your child. Their support is paramount to the success of a blended family.
Lesson #2 from this experience: Unless you have a friend(s) in the SAME or extremely similar situation of being in a blended family in your life to act as a support group, you will suffer alone and more importantly, SUFFER. There will be no growth, no change and no hope of ever being understood by anyone else.
Lastly, Linda, I wish I had been stronger years ago to pull out of this toxic relationship, it is apparently not in my nature to “suck it up” and I should have known that and just gotten out when the getting was good. Now it’s been 13 years and that is a hell of a long time to have wasted on something that went no where. But hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I should have heeded your words more closely. I just wanted you to know that you were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
Linda
First, LisanoL, let me start by saying once again how grateful I am you started this thread all those years ago. Speaking your pain out loud to another person is difficult – creating a written post that the entire world can read is even harder.
I truly believe this is one of the things that makes step-parenting so much harder (nigh on impossible): the silence we are expected to endure in our lives in as step-parents. I have been subjected to a variety of comments from people over the years. The most consistent theme has been: ‘deal with it you ungrateful woman. How dare you complain.’
When I found your post, I was actively searching for support. It was one of the darkest times of my life (and that’s after being terribly abused as a child: this was far worse). I was filled with a choking rage every day – I could barely breathe I was so angry, confused and terribly terribly frustrated.
My marriage nearly didn’t make it through. I started an Internet romance just to feel loved and understood again. (I’m sure you can figure out how that bright idea went… ;-P)
Wednesday’s book, and your post, helped me steady a little; and intensive therapy helped too.
What ultimately helped the most was the both of them leaving the house.
I am still filled with a choking rage, but it’s not in my face every day, and the conflict around them, and raising them, has lessened to a distant chirping. The wounds I have might never heal completely.
I stayed with my husband, and I don’t regret that; but honestly, had I any inkling of what was in front of me before I went in, I would never have said yes – and I’d never never do it again. Never. I would also caution any woman considering it to think long and hard – most situations in an unvarnished honest state probably merit a hard “No!”
But neither you nor Valerie (or I) took, or believed was necessary, the option of saying no first. You and Valerie are still deep in the trenches – I’m now off to the side a little and can breathe again (as long as I’m never confronted with them, that is).
I enthusiastically agree with your point to Valerie that “it sounds to me like you and your husband have not been united for a long time when it comes to the parenting of your step-son”.
A united front is absolutely crucial (unfortunately I learned far too late it is critical FROM THE BEGINNING). sigh
Kids, even with their natural parents, exploit any weakness in that parental front. They are literally sociopathic geniuses with nothing but time on their hands to work on 1. How to divide you 2. What your weaknesses as a couple are 3. How to fuck you (the eternal outsider) up.
I have learned (the hardest and most painful way possible) that if you are not completely aligned as parents (hopefully from the start) there is no chance your lives together will be manageable.
And men being men (forgive my rampant sexism, but know it goes both ways ;-)) don’t understand this fundamental truth of re-parenting with a new spouse. They seem just not to get it – coupled with their extreme discomfort with conflict and emotionally charged situations this creates an impossible situation for the new female… Because even if you call yourself a parent to the kid who isn’t yours, the entire system will fight you on actually being one. And there’s nothing like the circling of the wagons you’ll see with the original family – even the ex- if you don’t behave just the way they all think you should.
Becoming aligned is a whole other ball of wax… The only thing I can recommend here is therapy – an emotionally uninvolved 3rd party with experience helping people cope with these new blended families in our current reality where kids are treated like demi-gods.
Be warned though – you’ll have to interview people carefully – therapists have popular biases too.
I also felt your pain so keenly when you said: “in the end I realize that neither my husband, nor my stepson, ever appreciated or wanted my efforts.”
Oh man, can I ever understand this! I completely relate to you on this point, and agree with you wholeheartedly. To this point I have not found a fix for this, other than to stop doing things for them. That’s what I had to do in order to be able to live with myself. If I was going to stay, I was going to stop being the scapegoat/whipping boy/front door mat. And I did stop – everything. Not a popular option with anyone, believe me; but for me there was no other option.
I hope you will give yourself a break, though and direct less anger at yourself and more towards the places it should go. We are so often chastised for being angry, which I believe is a travesty. Anger is a healthy, and unavoidable, emotion. In order to move through anger we have to feel it, and assign it. Self-hatred will only make things worse for you.
It’s also so true about out trying to find friends who understand. To date I have not found one other individual in a blended-family step-parenting situation. It can get pretty lonely.
The support of your husband is critical, but so it the support of their extended family – and yours. As step-parents we become completely isolated with our feelings because of the unerringly negative reactions to our pain/confusion/suffering/mistakes.
I was fortunate, eventually, to help my husband understand a little of what I was experiencing – but to this day he still doesn’t get it entirely.
If it helps, I am here and able to listen. I wasn’t able to do that all those years ago. I had to work hard at climbing out of my own sludgy toxic pit. But I’m here now, and I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through.
LisanoL
Thank you Linda for your support. Funny thing is, I was compelled to write my post particularly because I had no one else to go to. I hoped that somewhere out there, someone would see this and feel a kinship in my struggle, maybe they too wanted to know they weren’t the only ones on this impossible road.
Thank you for the advice about interviewing therapists. It did not occur to me to do that, and maybe that is why when I tried it once years ago, it didn’t seem to help and I stopped going. I will need it to work through this, the time I spent in this relationship has been such a substantial portion of my adult life, I would hate to spend what time I have now and in the future wasting it bumping along hoping to figure out how to make it right again!
valerie suell
I can do nothing but feelyour pain. I met my husband when his son was 5 almost 6. We hit it off but now Hudson is 15. We have been married almost 8 years. But started living together a month after we met. The past few years have beendownhill for us. Now I am at my wits end. I am the typical battered wife but by my step son. Not physically but mentally. I have no say or authority over him at all. He used to say just wait tip Val gets home. What now?
LisanoL
It’s going to be a hard road you will travel. Do you have any children together? If so, have you noticed an inconsistency in his interference of your parenting of them vs your stepson?
It’s been eight years, but it sounds to me like you and your husband have not been united for a long time when it comes to the parenting of your step-son. That is the situation I have faced here. Unfortunately, what I realized too late is that I was too foolish to deal with just how battered and emotionally abused I have been for the last thirteen years. I see now that it was only giving him what he wanted, which was someone to raise his son for him, and give him the stability he craved when he was still in the military. Now my step-son is 17 and almost out of the house, my husband has once again fallen back on old habits and checked out of the relationship. I have gone through the whole cycle of feelings regarding this, but in the end I realize that neither my husband, nor my stepson, ever appreciated or wanted my efforts. So, I say to you, how important is it to you to stay? He is 15, and I can tell you this with certainty, unless your husband is 100% with you on the parenting of his son, this will NEVER get better and will only get worse. Your husband isn’t supporting you, your stepson is able to manipulate and use his will on his father to come between you and the parenting of your stepson.
If your relationship with your husband is strong enough to survive a serious talk, that would be your only option, but it sounds to me like it’s already on a downhill slope and this stepson issue is just one more check on your husband’s growing list of things he probably holds against you (even if he has never verbalized it to your face, like my gutless husband never did, he is thinking them and sharing his hate and discontent with someone: e.g. friend, relative, lover…etc). Sorry to be so bitter sounding, but I am extremely angry at myself for having wasted more than a decade on this worthless relationship. The only good thing I have to show for it are the two children I brought into this world, and the knowledge that without my influence, my stepson would have been a juvenile delinquent if left to the devices and “parenting” of his father.
There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Your choices are continue as you were and wait for the ball to drop on your head, or do something about it and move on.
LisanoL
Thanks guys for commenting, Emma and Linda you two have made me realize I am not alone out in the world, struggling to understand my place. Being an “Evil” or “Partially Non-Evil” Stepmother is something you have to be ready to battle out with your family, your social circle, and the world at large or it is not meant to be and it becomes that “Danger, Will Robinson, Danger” moment and you need to beat feet fast….
It’s been three years (time goes by so fast!) and I am still with my husband, my stepson is now 15, finishing up his freshman year in High School, he is on the honor roll, but I still don’t pretend to understand the mind of a teenage boy.
It was a bumpy and turbulent three years, and eventually the dam broke about two years ago, one evening, my husband was at work, and my stepson did something that I don’t remember, but I totally lost it and I basically verbally vomited all over him. I had had it, I had reached the end of my rope, I was angry and frustrated and depressed and my stepson became the punching bag (I realize this now, didn’t know it at that time). I even told him that I was going to send him back to his mother and that I hated him…
It was a dark day for me, and that night I knew I had done something horrible, I felt terrible, but at the same time, I wasn’t ready to apologize to him, mostly because I am not one to back down, and though I might have regretted speaking the words out loud, somewhere deep down inside I meant them. I slept badly and spend the next day thinking and that is when I realized that though I didn’t like or understand my stepson very much, it was really my husband I was pissed off at.
For so many reasons, but in particular because he had dumped on me the responsibility of raising his son for him, but with the condition that he show me no back up or support for my parenting methods and that when I had a beef with my stepson, he would take his side over mine. HELL NO! That was not going to work. There were some other reasons too unrelated to my stepson, and totally having to do with the state of our marriage, but it had become clear to me that since because of his work my husband was gone from home most of that time, I had turned my stepson into the effigy for his father and my outlet for that rage. That, however, only explains my outburst at my stepson on that night.
I gave my husband and ultimatum that night (the night of my Eureka! moment). I told him either he backs me up and commits to agreeing with me on how we are going to raise our kids once and for all time(because we also have two together for a total of three), or he is going to pack up his crap and take his son with him and get the hell out of my life. That was Ultimatum Item #1.
Ultimatum Item #2 was: I also told him that it’s not my stepson’s fault that he has a crappy mother whom my husband hates. I told him that was his fault for marrying her in the first place, but seeing as how that is totally unrelated to the fact that when my husband is home he does nothing with his own son, to whom I have no blood ties to and really don’t connect with at this time, it is completely unfair to expect me to have any kind of relationship with his stepson so that he won’t have to be bothered getting to know his own son.
Ultimatum Item #3 was: I told him I was sick and tired of his guilty act over his kid because he and his ex were divorced. I said “get over it!” and that I am not going to buy into that hysteria, my parents were divorced and I never got any hand outs, therefore don’t expect me to support my stepson’s entitlement insanity at all. He deserves nothing for that, it had nothing to do with him. He has chores to do like everyone else, he gets given nothing for free like everyone else, and he cannot behave like he is exclusive of this household and owes nothing to anyone else because unless he sprung out of an egg fully grown, he owes somebody something, and it’s going to start with showing some respect to me, and doing his part here in this house.
I told him I was done, I said make up your mind and make it up quick because I cannot and will not continue like his any longer. I deserve better!
Well, long story short, my husband got his act together, and he admitted that I was right, and finally got on board with my program. Once I had him backing me up on how the household was going to run, granted–the issues with a teenage boy haven’t ceased–but at least I don’t have to worry that I am going to be dog fighting with my husband over something my stepson has done or said. In a more positive light, once his dad made it clear that he and I were a united front, my stepson stopped acting out trying to pit his dad and I against each other because he realized it wasn’t going to work.
So is it better? Yes. Do I have a better relationship with my stepson? Yes. Have I become more consistent and realistic about the demands of my parenting life? Yes.
I am glad to have stuck it out, but it sure has been hard as hell. There should be a pamphlet somewhere explaining all this drama in detail, because I would have at least had some advance warning of what I was getting myself into. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and it is not meant for everyone, it’s more of an acquired taste…
Linda
I’m curious to hear how you’re doing. It’s been 3 years now. Are you still with this man? Is his son still living with you? Do you feel the same, better, worse?
I’ve been with my partner for 6.5 years now. He has two teenage daughters, and the experience has been a nightmare for me.
I agree with Emma. We are conditioned to believe we should love all kids, and that we are somehow broken or evil if we don’t.
Rationally speaking, there is no reason we should be happy about living with someone else’s kids – we didn’t choose them, we didn’t nurture them, we didn’t have any say in who they became before we knew them; and we damn sure have little control over who they become after we get involved.
I really tried to be a “good person” at the beginnning and include the girls, and care for them; but no matter what I did I was an outsider – and in their eyes, competition for their Dad. There was really nothing I could do, aside from becoming a carpet, to create a positive situation.
And by the time I figured it out, it was too late. The choice was – leave the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, or suck it up and feel like a horrible person for being so angry and resentful.
I do hope the past three years have been kind to you 🙂 Thanks for being brave enough to post this.
Emma U
I don’t think you are bad at all. My boyfriend has a son of 12. I’ve had some experience around children before but none of my own (by choice). This kid is something else. I completely sympathize with the lack of support and having to play the ‘ bad guy’ role. Im fortunate that we just starting living together. Love him as i do i cant take his kid, his mother or the rest of the family. I am counting the days until the lease is up and then im moving on. I would like to still date my b.f but now ive had a closer look there’s no way i wd consider anything long term. 6 years is a long time to wait for an obnoxious kid to leave the household-way too long for me. We are socially conditioned into having to really like all kids or we are bad people.I’m sick of supporting other peoples kids, through taxes too. Many kids seem to expect everything handed to them and they seem extremely immature compared to their counterparts in the rest of the world. I wish you well and thank you for posting this.