#WhyIStayed

Everyone was shocked when they heard the news that I was divorcing mr horrible. I mean everyone. My friends, my family and acquaintances. No one suspected things were bad. Why? Because I wore a fake face 100% of the time, and even when I was “keeping things real” with by BFFs, there was still a spin to every story I told.

In light of why I left, it makes it very confusing because people don’t understand, why did I wait. Frankly I didn’t understand at first either, but now I do.

I stayed because it was my burden to bear. I stayed because the emotional abuse wasn’t immediately impacting my kids. I stayed because I listened to the lies he told me when we would fight. I stayed because it was easier than having to admit that I made a bad choice in marrying him in the first place. I stayed because I was ashamed.

He used to tell me that I wanted to turn into my mother. It was the epithet he would throw in my face when we would argue. When I would start to voice the truths of his abuse of me and I would mention that I should leave he would tell me that I just wanted to be a single mother like my mother.

He would tell me that I married him knowing I wasn’t going to stay and that I didn’t even want to try. Worse was that I listened and didn’t even think that he was manipulating me, knowing that I would stay just to prove him wrong.

I am ashamed that I stayed because of who it turned me into. I became a complete stranger, pretending to be all sorts of things that made me miserable, anything to get his approval. I am ashamed because I wanted his approval in the first place. I was ashamed because I needed him to tell me that he loved me for who I was despite all evidence to the contrary.

It wasn’t until he worked to isolate me and take me away from all the friends I had and the support network I had created that the emotional abuse was no longer insulated to affecting just me.

It became very clear and obvious thanks to the fact that living in a new place meant I had no friends, my children had no friends, and we were now all subject to his behavior stuck inside that unhappy home. Once it became clear that his abuse was no longer just my burden to bear, that is when I left.

I have explained this to my friends, the ones I still speak to, and I have explained this to my family. But they don’t understand. They think I waited too long, and how could I have hidden the truth? But they have never been where I was, surrounded by a relationship that from the outside looked perfect but was a maelstrom of misery to those within it.

No one understands. I hope one day my children do and learn from my mistakes. I hope one day they can appreciate my choice, despite if at the time it seemed to come out of the blue.