Deep Thought: Losing My Religion

I spent a good portion of my life low-key searching for meaning. Attempts to find a deeper connection served to give me mental and emotional fortitude that I don’t think I would have developed in other ways. I pondered the stepping stones that got me to the point I am at today.

Early on, as a child, I would roam through the backyard looking for fairies and elves. I had no particular recollection of how I got the urge to go searching for these creatures, or why I even believed they were real enough for me to find. Growing up, there wasn’t a lot of talk of religion, and my family did not go to church. It was not a topic discussed at home, at least not from what I can remember when I was little.

My mother questioned what I was doing in the backyard. What could I be looking for so intently that I missed coming inside to watch cartoons? I told her I was looking for the fairies and the elves, and that she had to stop making so much noise so that they wouldn’t be scared away. My mother asked where I got the idea that there were fairies in the backyard? I don’t recall to this day what answer I gave her, but it must have been good enough because she left me alone, though she did insist that I cut the adventure short to come inside for dinner.

I fell into religion on my own. Over the course of growing up, my curiosity drove me to the library to search for answers on the topics that I felt I could not get answers about from home. It started with a book report I had to do in fourth grade for Social Studies class, and we had to write about a specific country during a specific time period. Thinking back, this assignment is perhaps a bit advanced for elementary school, but I got the riveting topic of England during the Middle Ages.

I was immediately drawn to the mystery surrounding their religious practices at the time. Beyond the book report, I began reading books on the subject on my own and it of course harkened back to my memories of searching for fairies in the backyard. From the Middle Ages to Druidism, I was drawn to it all and I was fascinated by just how much the belief drove society and the choices people made.

By middle school, I wasn’t sure what I believed in. As a family, we had begun attending a Baptist church, mostly from familial obligations because the Pastor was the father of my Aunt’s husband. We had to go, even if deep down inside I didn’t feel any different at the end of the service. My personal journey continued in secret, and I found myself drawn to Catholicism.

My mother discovered some of the religious icons and symbols I had collected in my room and she questioned me about them. I played it off as items that I received as part of the religion class at my school (I was going to Catholic School at the time), and she let it go. But deep down, I was hoping to glean from these items the kind of religious passion that I would read about in the historical accounts of my studies of the Middle Ages.

Over time, when I wasn’t overcome with religion, I gave up on Catholicism, in part also because I did not like the Priests who gave the mass. I was disappointed that I had not found the mysticism or the comfort in religion that others had found. We continued going to the Baptist church until about the point I was in high school when we finally stopped attending. I didn’t hate religion, but I certainly had been disappointed in my search for a connection.

When we moved during high school to a different neighborhood than the one where I had grown up, I met some newer people about my age. They were going to a different kind of church and they seemed to really enjoy going every Sunday. They invited me to attend with them. I didn’t take them up their invites at first. It wasn’t until after I graduated and had started taking college classes on my own that I gave their invitation any thought. I went and it was a much more welcoming experience than the harsh years of fancy-clothed Sundays from the days of attending the Baptist Church. I didn’t know exactly what denomination this new church was, I didn’t even know there were different kinds until much later.

This church was more laid back and welcoming, but I still felt like there was something separating me from the experience everyone else was having. I would sometimes look out among the congregation and wonder why I wasn’t having this same kind of religious connection? Some were crying and some were really overjoyed. Over the years of attending on my own, it wasn’t the service that kept me coming back, it was the feeling of belonging to something bigger than myself. There was much community service, and volunteering in the church and that gave me a sense of belonging.

However, as with all things that influence many, religion can be used a tool. And at the same time that it can lift up a group of people, religion can also be used to subjugate. Perhaps that is why I have never had the sort of feverish attachment to religion that I had read about in different accounts over the years. Perhaps, deep down where I expected to find a deep attachment to the religious experience, I instead in that place lived a cautious fear that a deep attachment would be used against me.

It is no secret that in current events, religion has formed a dividing line for many a political and social argument. Lives are affected, many times in terrible ways, over dogma that is close-minded and steeped in opinion. I have never liked any idea that forced everyone to have the same opinion. I try to be more open-minded and accepting than to believe that the only right way is if everyone shares the same opinion that I have. However, I also have believed that anything good does not need to be forced onto anyone.

This is ironic, considering that I was obsessed with the religious philosophy of the middle ages. Especially as it was a time that lacked widespread information, and people lived more insular lives. People have more access to information today, yet so many do not search for answers in the right places. For me, religion has been something that plays a larger role in providing comfort for a great number of people. It has in times of need over the years, provided me with comfort when I needed it.

The sense of belonging that I found at the new church grew as I found ways to get involved. Study groups helped me develop a new understanding of the teachings in the church and as an adult, I have gained meaning in what previously felt like going through the motions. I have come to terms with the relationship I have now with religion. It enhanced my life. It may not be an encounter with another reality as I had hoped to find in my youth wandering around my backyard, but it fulfilled me in ways that though not mysterious, have added tangible value for me in some ways.

It has been some time since I spent any time dwelling in the mysterious places where religious faith lives. But I do think the journey searching for a connection with the supernatural did add perspective to my life. Allowed me to focus on the things that I know I can control. Will I ever search for something as deeply as I did in the past? Probably not.