Reverse Body Dysmorphia

Body issues have reduced my quality of life. As a result, I am troubled by the clothes that I wear. I enjoy going to work because I have to wear a uniform. Every day I am shocked by what I see reflected in the big ass mirror that is right by the bathrooms in the staff area. Without fail, every time I see my reflection I think to myself “Is that what I look like? Really? Like, other people are seeing this? Hopefully, it’s just me.”

Then I push open the door to the ladies’ restroom and like that, I stop thinking about it. That is what it’s like to live in my head. What I think of myself in my mind is usually much cooler and better looking than reality.

These negative body issues have plagued me all my life. To the point where in my mind’s eye I have a distorted idea of what I look like. Knowing that there are different versions stresses me out.

Growing up, I didn’t know what it meant that I didn’t like how I looked. I didn’t know specifically what I didn’t like about it, just that something wasn’t quite right.

Reverse Body Dysmorphia

I did some research online, and I suffer from reverse body dysmorphia. RBD. It is not cool to know that what I suffer from is not in my mind. It sucks big time. Why? Because in my mind I am fit, athletic and svelte.

In my mind, I can wear all the cool clothes I like and I look awesome. But when I actually get dressed and look in the mirror, what I see is not what I want to see. Instead, I see are the ravages of motherhood, depression, and old age.

The mirror reflects the negative feedback from my childhood: that I am not what men want. Because when I was little, I was not valued for myself. I was paraded about to be looked at and objectified.

Historical devaluation

When I was 17 my father told me that I wasn’t worth encouraging to excel because I was only a girl. That was his response when I asked him why he never harped on me about my grades and I was failing Chemistry.

When I got engaged to the ex, he gave me a car. Particularly insulting since growing up my mom didn’t have a car. Also insulting because when I asked his help to buy a car as a teenager, he refused to help me. I was browbeaten to believe that my worth is equal to my outward appearance. Detrimental to my mental health. It may be too late to do anything about these negative images now.

Challenges of RBD

All I know is that Reverse Body Dysmorphia makes it hard to get motivated to get fit when in my mind’s eye, I am already fit. It is hard to encourage myself to stick to healthier eating when if I avoid the scale. I slip into the I-am-thin-already brain wave and reach for that extra helping of ice cream.

There was a time when images of beautiful women were triggers, whether they be younger or older. I would be bitter and filled with frustration and rage. It isn’t their fault I had two kids and pregnancy ravaged my body. It isn’t their fault that I can’t stick to a workout routine.

It also isn’t their fault that I suffer from mental illness that makes it impossible for me to be real with myself about what my body needs to be healthy. What I do know is that as with any mental health issue, who you surround yourself with is important. I am not going to enact change if I am surrounded by negative people, jealousy, and envy.

My mother’s contribution

My mother is not a positive influence. She has for my entire life tried to live vicariously through me. Forcing me into situations when I was young that appealed only to her senses. Situations that made me feel less than. Which reinforced the misogynistic values that were already making it hard to love me as I am.

Is it a surprise that I have RBD? No.