Treading Water in a Pool of Misery – Abandoned by a Stranger

Today I had the rug pulled out from under me. At the start of the day someone dropped an information bomb on me and my insides sank. I’ve been trying to climb out of this pit of despair all day to no avail. But for all of this to make sense, I have to start a the beginning, so let’s go back to 2018.

Out of the blue last year I was laid off from my job. Getting downsized hurt my feelings and fed concerns that were growing that I was wasting away at that company. What started out as a job to pay the bills had morphed into this thing where I thought I was happy, and plugged away, rising through the ranks, but I realize now that it was killing my spirit.

Finding another job was hard. Being on unemployment sucked ass too. Before I knew it, I had blown through my severance pay and my savings. Times were getting very hard, many interviews and applications later and I was beginning to give up hope of finding anything.

Fast forward several months and I eventually landed a job with my dream company, something I never previously thought possible. The first month at the job was a fever pace of training and learning the ropes of my position all while attempting to work through a backlog of cases and other issues that had piled up as they searched for someone to fill the void. One thing I had to get used to again was navigating the waters of interpersonal relationships among coworkers.

I haven’t had many good experiences. Several years ago I got burned very bad at one job by getting too chummy with some people I worked with who turned out to be bat-shit crazy and the whole thing turned into something overly dramatic, which led me to cut ties with the people and the job.

It got to be too much. So I’ve been wary since of getting too close to people, making sure not to give people too much information about my personal life. It wasn’t that hard to do at my last job, the environment was so cut-throat that you slept with one eye open so to speak.

At this new job, everyone is so friendly, it is very hard to keep people at an arms length. And I have had no issues, except for one individual who I guess threw me for a loop. I had been warned by different people about their personality quirks, so when I finally met them I was unsure what was going on because the abrasive bully that people had described to me was no where to be found.

Which of course meant that I became super awkward around them because I wasn’t sure if it was an act because I was new and maybe eventually the other shoe would drop? I try to give everyone a fair chance to make their own impression, and was willing to do the same with them.

As it turns out they are really good at their job and real knowledgeable, so I was hoping to overcome the initial rough start and maybe befriend said individual. And this was the plan that I had decided over the weekend to put into action.

Well all that is for naught because I went into work today and was told that they accepted a transfer to one of the sister offices on the east coast. What the fuck. I don’t know why I am so sad but I am legit upset about this and it was all I could do to act normal for the rest of the day.

I was afraid people would realize that I was upset that they were leaving. I barely knew him, why should it bother me? It’s not like anyone is obligated to stay where I am, and from what I hear it’s a good opportunity for them to advance, but even knowing all of that I’m distraught and wallowing in the despair that this is all just so unfair.

This is why I can’t do relationships. If I’m getting this twisted up about someone who I was just hoping to get a chance to improve a professional relationship with, it’s no wonder I’m hella scared to even consider putting myself out there to try and develop a relationship with another person on a personal level. Just thinking about it makes me super anxious.

Is it possible to have PTSD from a divorce? I feel like it should be a thing, and I feel like I have it. My marriage and subsequent escape from said marriage left me traumatized and afraid to get close to someone else. I can’t imagine going through all of that again.

I look back at photos from the years when I was dating the ex and then from when we were married and they look like pictures of things that happened to someone else. I can’t fathom having to go through all of those emotions again. It’s too much.

I am circling the drain of a crippling depression over this and it’s freaking me out. I have several weeks to get through before they are gone for good and honestly I currently can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know deep down that I shouldn’t care this much, and I’d like to know just why I care at all?! I barely know this person.

I don’t have a strategy for dealing right now except listening to my fucked up life playlist and trying to distract myself with other things here at home. Wish me luck…