Decay of a Decade: Looking Back and Setting Better Goals

It is that time of year – the day before the New Year, time to take stock and plan ahead. In particular, it is time to evaluate the last 10 years and figure out how to better approach the years to come. I figure I can’t do much worse than I already have, what do I have to lose?

How did I spend the last ten years of my life? Choices were made that ended with me here in Texas, divorced, so let me review the annals of my history and see what happened…

2010 – The Art of Being Busy

Misguided belief that everything is going to be alright. Ex is on deployment and I am busy just making time pass by with activities. Church I go to falls apart due to scandal. Shit goes sideways.

2011 – Is the Grass Greener in the Garden State? No.

Ex has returned and wants out of the military. We move to New Jersey for his new job and leave behind everything we know. Dog dies. 

2012 – Hoping for the Mayan Apocalypse

Find out about his new affair. Hope that the movie 2012 will be correct. Except it isn’t. The only thing that is coming to an end is my marriage. 

2013 – The Beginning of the End – D Day

Finalize the divorce, move to Texas. Spend the rest of the year depressed and going through the motions of rebuilding my life. Move out of my brother’s place into my own apartment because he is the worst. 

2014 – WTF

What even happened here? Finished degree, still haven’t figured myself out, floundering at my campus job as I attempt to rebuild myself post-divorce. Spend a lot of time doing busy shit to distract myself from my terrible life.

2015 – Nothing to See Here

Almost a non-year. Nothing of interest. More of the same. Still in the apartment, and still haven’t managed to find a better job, although the contract with my current job is coming to an end. Went on a cruise.

2016 – Another Job – Circling the Drain

Get a different job, it’s okay but terrible. Kids start to wonder if we will be in the apartment forever. Went to Niagara Falls. Mom moves to Texas at the end of the year. We have a terrible time on the trip to the Grand Canyon and she manages to alienate her grandkids during the trip, who now think she and my brother are cuckoo bananas. End of the year is tense.

2017 – Solar Eclipse – Death

Fucked up shit happened all around. This was probably the worst year. Due to the fallout of 2016, plans to see the solar eclipse together with my family fall apart. I take my kids to St. Louis to see the eclipse. We find out while on the trip that my step-son has been killed. Pretty fucked up. Spend the rest of the summer dealing with that. Move out of the apartment into my house.

2018 – It’s All Downhill from Here

More fucked up shit, just when it seemed like things were getting better, they just get worse. I got laid off about halfway through the year. Spend the rest of the year on unemployment searching for a new job. It’s looking pretty grim. Fall into a depression deeper than the dark hole I crawled out of after the divorce.

2019 – It Can’t Rain All the Time

Some things get better at the same time that some things get worse. Can’t win for losing. I find a new job working for my dream company. My truck falls apart, but since I drained my savings after I got laid off, I have to save up to fix it. Start commuting with my brother about halfway through the year, much to my chagrin. The move causes my mother to think that all bridges have been rebuilt, and attempts are made to reintegrate herself into my life which stresses me out because I am dependent on my brother to commute to work.

What will 2020 have in store for me?

Well one thing I have learned looking back over the annals of the last 10 years is that I need to keep better records. I had to fucking dig like I was looking for gold to find out what the fuck I had been up to in 2009 and 2010 because apparently I was so busy doing useless ass shit that I didn’t journal, I barely blogged, and I certainly didn’t even catalog my photographs well. Therefore…

Goal #1 is: Keep better records. Journal/chronicle my life consistently

I have kept a journal since I received my first Ramona Quimby diary in the 3rd grade. I was bit by the writing bug and through anecdotes of varying quality, I have kept a journal for most of my life. I am forever grateful for that happening because one of my side effects of depression is it causes me to forget.

I have a fairly good memory otherwise, but I have noticed that over time, I will data dump the bits and pieces that I find I cannot deal with, or can’t contain, or seem unnecessary over time. Unintentionally I have deleted memories, good and bad, of my life and it bums me out. However, thanks to my journals, things come back to me and I can piece together the parts that I have lost.

Goal #2: Live life intentionally. Not volunteer my life away

I notice that when shit goes south, I get busy. I start volunteering, I take on responsibilities with groups and organizations. Giving away what free time I have to everybody else. I spend almost no time on me. Before the divorce I was in the choir, so I was busy with practices, and functions and church every Sunday. Which, when you’re in the bible belt, can take all day what with activities, gatherings, and lunching with friends after church. Not to mention the extra services on Wednesdays, and study groups, and other prayer groups. It consumed my life. The ex wasn’t down for church so that was one more thing we didn’t do together.

I volunteered with the Family Readiness Group for his command after I got out of the military, and eventually became the President, so that was more time spent on activities. After the divorce, I volunteered on campus with the Student Veteran Organization and then I also volunteered for the orchestra booster club at the middle school. I clearly have a problem dealing and volunteering is a sickness with me.

I will volunteer my life away as a means of avoiding my problems. The last couple of years, because of work commitments I could not volunteer, even though I wanted to, and boy did I find myself wanting to. Therefore, I will make it a point to not give away my free time and instead use that to work on myself. I volunteer as tribute to self-care. Which leads me to the next goal for the coming age…

Goal #3: Invest in self-care. Invest in my mental health, physical health, financial health

I spend almost no time or money on my personal health. Looking back over the last ten years the only time I actually went to see a therapist was when my marriage was in trouble. Once when we were living in Virginia after the first time we were going to split up and he begged me to stay. The couples counseling was a disaster, but I managed to continue seeing the counselor for myself for a little while.

The second time was when I was going through the divorce. I went to see a therapist in secret because I feared that I was going to spin out of control and do something drastic, and I was legit having trouble dealing with my life falling apart even if the logical side of me knew it was for the best. I managed to go until the sessions were no longer free and because as a SAHM the ex controlled the money, he had cut me off when he started having the affair and knew I wanted to leave.

I have clearly invested in myself very little. So going forward, I have to take care of me on purpose.

Three is the magic number. Yes it is. That’s the magic number.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. Make the goals attainable. I could keep going with my list, but I don’t have it in me to prioritize past the first three things on a super long list.