The COVID Diaries Day 34 – The Epiphany

Recently I have been pondering, despite all the uncertainty in the world, in my life, why am I not more depressed? I should have, given the patterns of the past, fallen into despair over my current situation. So why haven’t I?

I think back to 2018 when I got let go from my job. It was devastating. In fact, I don’t think that word does it justice. I could not see a way out of my predicament and there were some days when I lacked the energy or the will to get out of bed. I languished in my room, lights off, curtains drawn, laying in my bed in the dark. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t watch television. I slept a lot. I was circling the drain.

Fast forward to now. I am two weeks out of work and I am not in despair. I am not panicked. In fact, I suspected that furlough could be a possibility when we first closed our doors and they sent us to work from home. As the weeks went by and the work we could do from home dwindled, I saw the writing on the wall, and I mentally prepared myself.

I am no more depressed than usual.

Depression for me is like the low hum of electricity in the air. It is always there and I would be more alarmed if it wasn’t there. Most of the time it is manageable.

I had the existential crisis on my birthday. I expect the one day I get older to wonder if I am making a difference, what is the point of what I am doing, and question my own self-worth. That’s my normal.

So I’m checking myself wondering what’s going on with me?

Before when I lost my job, everyone else carried on without me. I was alone in my situation and I was low key freaking out. No one else I knew was going through my experience. Working from home had its own pitfalls, this was one unexpected consequence of working from home.

It happened without warning in the middle of my workday. One second I was working on a report and preparing for a meeting, the next thing I know I am gone, shut out. I didn’t even get a chance to tell my team goodbye. I had so many questions, and no answers. Either way, it was super traumatic.

This time, I am not the only one affected in some way. Sure there are still people working, the essential businesses and the front line personnel. But there is a reason why so many others are out of work. Everywhere there are explanations. COVID19, the global pandemic, government mandates, furloughs, city closures, social distancing, and quarantines.

I can look around and there are causes, there is something of an explanation for the effects. The reason is not me or mysterious. A layoff without cause created a lot of self-doubt within me. I had to work through so much hurt to heal from that time. It was so much bullshit.

For real, no FOMO.

There is a lesson in the movie The Incredibles when Syndrome is telling his plan to make everyone supers. I got to thinking about that in this situation because everyone is suffering in some way or another. People in general are not working. The economy for the most part has come to a grinding halt. I am not the only one having issues.

There is no Fear of Missing Out because the only thing I would be missing out of is catching a virus which could kill me, or my family. Best case scenario is I catch it and I get the flu, which I have had before and it sucked ass. So hard pass.

Because I am not the only one at home. I am not the only one that is not working. My situation is no longer special. It is ordinary. And I am okay with that.

Not that I was that big on going out. My most exciting evenings consisted of getting together with friends from work for game nights. Board games, or video games, pizza, and beverages. So yeah, I miss those get-togethers, but I am not the only one missing out. Everyone is. That solidarity helps me feel less stressed out.

In the wake of this global pandemic the only way to stay sane is to focus on the things I can control.

My focus is my actual needs and wants. (Thank you 4th grade social studies class). I refer to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. There are 5 basic needs and according to Maslow they are:

• Physiological
• Safety
• Community/Love
• Esteem
• Self-Actualization

I have to meet each need, starting with Physiological, or I am not able to move to the next level. The goal is to self-actualize, or in Pokémon terms: evolve into my Final Form!

Physiological
I have my basic needs met: food, water, and air. I am good to go.

Safety
I have my health. I am not in danger. I am not under attack (unless you count by the virus) and I have a safe location within which to remain in place and ride this situation out. Financial security is a work in progress with me so I am not letting this fluctuating situation stress me out just yet.

Community and Belonging/Love
I have new friendships with people I have met through work. I am getting to spend time with my sons, especially my youngest son who usually spends all his time with his friends, and work, and school. So this is an opportunity which I have not squandered.

Esteem
Before we closed shop and the furlough activated, I had my performance review with my manager. Super positive and definitely a booster to my self-esteem. I love my job and I like what I do. I have every expectation of continuing to grow with the company once we return to work. So two thumbs up there.

Self-Actualization
This is the pinnacle of the Needs pyramid. The ability to meet your true potential. My personal life may be a hot mess but as a parent I am able to provide a stable home for my sons.

I have a better relationship with them as young adults than I ever did at their age (and beyond) with my mother. So that’s a big win, since my main guiding force has been asking myself “What would my mother do?” And then doing the exact opposite for the most part. Hasn’t failed me yet.

There are some small gaps, but under control, albeit Dutch Boy finger in the levee style but it’s all good.

Could I be working out during this time at home? Maybe.
Could I be doing more to knock items off my DIY to do list? For sure.
Shouldn’t I be making more of an effort to eat healthier on a more consistent basis? Most definitely.

I have to let go of the expectation of perfection and just be. That is the biggest quarantine lesson I am learning so far.