The Ex-Files ~ Ghost in the Machine

I went out to a bar with a friend to listen to some music. The invitation was already out of the blues, laughably ironic, considering the type of music that was advertised to be playing. I like all types of music. My music tastes are eclectic, influenced by the random happenstance of my varied life experience. As a result, some people, who have a much narrower lane of music appreciation, find it hard to believe my statement at face value.

Musical expectations

Such was the situation that happened to me when my friend came to pick me up. The evening started off on an awkward note when I realized that this was more of a group outing than two friends grabbing drinks to decompress after several days of constant council business. With an additional person already riding shotgun, my expectations had to change. But I am nothing if not flexible, so I adapted quickly. My goals became less about hanging out and more about absorbing and people watching.

When we got to the venue, I already liked the vibe. The place was jazzy and certainly more adult. We found our seats and ordered drinks and some snacks for the table. When the music began, I realized that this would be music I was familiar with, instead of what I was expecting (again, I should learn to stop assuming things already), which was for it to be original blues music. Which would have been interesting, but that was not what this band was giving.

The sleeper awakens

What I didn’t expect to happen was that the second song into the set would trigger a reaction. It was Mary Had a Little Lamb by Stevie Ray Vaughan. The problem is that he is the ex’s favorite guitarist. It is also music that I was introduced to by mr horrible, and in turn, was on heavy rotation through the marriage. I still listen to Stevie Ray Vaughan.

His music wasn’t the problem with our relationship, and much of what entered my music vernacular still persists today. I can enjoy ELO, Steve Miller Band, and every other artist that stayed on repeat without consequence for the most part. I have them on my playlists, and listening is benign.

The problem is that as soon as I recognized what song they were playing, my first reaction was to record a video and send it to the ex because I thought he would get a kick out of this, that even in Guatemala, his music is being played live. I really wanted to. I had my phone in my hand to record, but then I thought about what I was about to do.

The machine is turning

I considered still sending the message. But I changed my mind because I felt it would be like fishing for a connection that probably isn’t there anymore, and I didn’t want to pretend that we were still something. Or discover that I was the only one reaching, and there was nothing there. Or worse, lead him on (because I don’t really know him or how he would receive a message intended to be friendly sharing) and then have to deal with the consequences if he reads more into it.

Honestly, I just wanted to connect my experience with someone who would appreciate the moment, and I realized with a disappointing clarity that there was no one else I could share this with. I don’t have that music red thread with anyone else. And there is a mr horrible-shaped hole in my life that I haven’t managed to close with another. So I didn’t take the video, and I didn’t share it; there is no one else who would understand the significance of hearing Stevie Ray Vaughan in Guatemala without needing additional explanation and context. Not to mention having to explain who Stevie Ray Vaughan was to begin with.

By the time they played another SRV song in their set, I was subdued. I wanted to sing along, and I did a little, but it felt empty. Like something was now missing from my experience.

Keep it all inside

It made me sad. And it must have been noticeable because my friend kept asking me if I was having fun. How do I explain I am having fun, aside from this internal existential crisis I am going through, where I feel so alone I might not recover, aside from that, I am living my best life!? I am realizing that tonight’s set list awakened the ghost in the machine, and I am sitting here processing while on the outside pretending I am not falling apart.

That can’t be contextualized over the volume of live music, so I just said I was having fun and left it at that.