The Limerence Relapse

Oops, I did it again. I saw him again and I gave up. My brain is determined to fixate and ruminate on this individual, that I can’t fight what seems to be at this point, inevitable. And after today’s performance, it is clear that I may as well just lean in and go with the flow. It’s better this way, probably. 

Thanks to the foolishness of various members of the Colonia, I am spending a great deal of time at the council president’s house. More time that I spend at my own house. It’s to the point that if I think I will run into her, I plan to end up at her house and have to pep-talk myself into not acting like a fool should he happen to be there. I clearly have no chill.

I have written before about the invasion of my personal space, otherwise known as the cheek press greeting, most memorably in “You Are The Walrus”. It is to date the most uncomfortable display I have had to participate in on a regular basis. Well, and at least with someone whom I am low-key crushing on (that’s right, I’m just owning it now), it’s going to be hella awkward. Because that’s my brand. 

To the point that the last time he tried to greet me, it was late and he walked in, of course, I was still there, at his house, working with the council president. I was sitting down, and after he greeted his mother, I was hoping he would ignore me and just keep going to the other side of the house. But nope! He leans in to try to cheek-press me while I am sitting down, and I, for some reason, can’t contain myself from trying to weirdly face him. It turns into a super uncomfortable display where I try to contort my body while sitting down, and I almost knock off his glasses. As it was happening, my brain was screaming inside: why was I like this? Instant regret. Then, wishing he had never attempted, so I would stop embarrassing myself. 

Well, wish granted. Because the next time I was over her house, he saw me, and no attempt was made. Great. Now I’m upset that he did, in fact, stop because I was like, now he hates me. And I tell myself, that’s fine. It’s what I wanted, right? Now I can move on with my life and not wonder about him anymore. Didn’t stop me from wondering if the next time I stopped at the president’s house, he would appear again, and then pretending I didn’t care anyway when he didn’t. 

He was there last night when I was working on the database with the council president. He had company over. I thought he wasn’t home. But then he emerged from the darkness, and behind him was his friend. I had the juvenile thought that maybe his friend would be interested in seeing a new face (me) and ask about me. Yes. I have been reduced to junior high thoughts because, apparently, midlife means I emotionally grow in reverse. I won’t lie to myself and pretend I didn’t wear my coolest jeans and a new shirt to casually hang out at his house on the off chance that we would cross paths. But he barely greeted me. Again, I’m okay with that, right?

Yeah, I am so full of shit. I knew I was going to run into him this morning. The council president had explicitly stated she was going to ask him to help her set up the tables this morning, which meant he would show up to unload the tables and chairs from her car. I absolutely did not wake up this morning and just happen to put on my favorite outfit, which I know is incredibly flattering and in which I feel confident and very much myself. I did not plan to wear this last night as I considered my options and figured that this would be an opportunity to wear it outside on the off chance I would run into him because I am super supposed to not care. Nonchalant. That is supposed to be the vibe. 

Well, I thought I had missed my opportunity when I went to the plaza this morning and saw the council president and her car was already parked. I figured maybe he just helped her load the car and she did the rest herself. As I head to the car to see if there is anything I can lend a hand with, oops. There he pops out like a specter from around another car and I make the quickest about-face and head in the other direction. Yeah, I’m not obvious. 

He eventually takes off; he has to take his daughter to a swim lesson, and I figure that is the last I will see of him today. Until I remember, he has to return in her car to pick up the table and chairs. By the time he returns, we are deep in a discussion in the plaza with a group of neighbors, and he approaches from behind. I can literally feel him approach. My spidey senses were hella activated. And I turn to look at him, because that is the mature thing to do. And I give him a very casual “Buenas tardes” smile politely, then look away. 

I lose the script for a moment, and somehow the tables and chairs are put away, and he’s about to take off. He goes to get the keys back from the council president, and now I am facing both of them. I look at her, she looks at him, hands him the keys, and then I look at him, and I catch him looking at me, though I do very awkwardly look away. I’m still awkward as hell, and besides, I am supposed to not care that I caught him checking me out. I am not too proud to admit that I am glad I was looking my best in the good outside light. 

I don’t think anything will come of this. But if I’m going to limerence relapse, I may as well lean into it.