Grown Men Masquerading as Children

One of the biggest reasons for the breakdown of our marriage was it was not an equal partnership. I was in a relationship with someone who refused to behave like the other adult in the house.

I treat you how you act, if you behave irresponsibly, needing constant supervision or direction, I can’t treat you like you have the ability to be trusted to make adult-level decisions. If you behave as if you lack the ability to make responsible decisions on your own, unwilling to be accountable for your actions, or the actions of those in your charge, then expect to get lumped together with the kids.

House full of kids and I am the only adult

I had a house full of kids who did the exact same thing. Act like that and you’re gonna get lumped with them. Act like you lack the balls to be a man, and I won’t treat you like a man. Harsh? Yes. Was I wrong? I don’t think so. If it looks like a clown, acts like a clown, and talks like a clown, well, it must be a clown.

I know I treated him like a kid. It was how he behaved, the defensive stance he took when asked to explain his actions, particularly because it seemed as if he went out of his way to do things that were contrary to the way we had (supposedly) agreed to run the house, act toward each other and parent the children.

He wanted free-range children, children who would raise themselves. What he considered freedom was actually neglect. Given his upbringing, I am sure that seemed fine for him. He was the youngest of four, left mostly to his own devices from a very young age, he described having to fend for himself because his mother and father had no interest in tending to their children apparently.

So many red flags

Thanks to their lack of parenting and supervision, he was a heavy smoker by 14/15 and a steady drinker before he was even out of high school. He had no direction after high school and held down menial jobs until he decided to join the military at age 26 because he lacked other options. This is not the life script I would like to repeat with my children. If he supposed there would be another outcome if we did things his way, well, he is smoking something more recreational than a cigarette.

My formative years weren’t any easier, but I wasn’t as mismanaged as he was. I had a great deal more going for me when I was younger and had it not been for the hiccup of that horrible relationship, I think I was on the path to turn out just fine. I have since rerouted my derailed train and am headed where I think I was originally over a decade ago.

In retrospect, I should have gotten all of this information about his life before we started having children. But apparently, my life script preferred all this be revealed after the fact. I had no reason, or supporting information, that led me to believe that he was up to the task of raising children conscientiously.

I was a single parent even when I was married

He made no secret that he mocked my values. It was a running joke with him that I was just a big nag who lacked a sense of humor and didn’t know how to have fun. He abandoned me to raise these kids alone, even before we were divorced.

He took advantage of the fact that I am steadfast and can be counted on to do the right thing. He didn’t balk when I told him I was taking the children and leaving him because as he put it “They were going to be in good hands, so he didn’t have to worry.” Gee, thanks.

How great that I am such a fantastic mother, that I can be counted on not to raise my kids in a crack house! I seethe with rage that he thinks me so worthy. His approval rankles my calm, I get pissed off just thinking about it. A whole lot of good it did me when we were together. He did everything possible to make me feel unappreciated, unloved, and undermined. So why the fuck would want or appreciate his approval now?!

The fourth child instead of the other parent

I make no apologies for the way I treated him. Because I didn’t always treat him like a big child. I learned quickly (when my son was still an infant) that he had no intention of actually helping to raise our child (and subsequently any other children we would have). He considered it an unfair demand on his freedom to be asked to act like a responsible father. So treating him like the fourth child in the house was in response to his behavior.

Abandonment has a way of growing resentment

Resentment begets contempt.

He isn’t worthy to occupy the same planet as me or my children.  He was a manipulative, emotionally stunted shell of a man who didn’t know how good he had it when he did. My only regret is that I gain no satisfaction from my job well done, because it plays directly into his irresponsible useless hands, allowing him to be as shiftless and pointless as he ever was, with nothing to be accountable for and no one to answer to.

The world would be a brighter place without him.