He Expected a Fight and Other Epiphanies

I came to the realization this weekend, in light of overwhelming evidence, that I have outgrown the ex. I find him to be tiring and tedious, and this epiphany was as frightening as it was enlightening.

Realization Number One

The first incident happened about a day into his visit.

We were in my living room when I realized that he had nothing to offer me in the way of companionship or interesting conversation. I had no desire to ask him questions about his life in New Jersey, or to attempt to wheedle details about his illicit relationship from him.

I was even less interested in the troubled father/son relationship he has with my ex-stepson. K has apparently removed me as a friend from his facebook account. I thought I would be more offended, but turns out, I don’t care.

mr horrible is officially someone with whom I no longer share common goals or interests. The question is, did I ever?

Realization Number Two

mr horrible felt it necessary to thank me for being “nice”. I then looked at him and asked point blank “Were you expecting open hostility”?

Apparently mr horrible was so nervous about how his arrival would be received, he said he felt it necessary to consume three rum and cokes on the flight. I actually don’t believe he needed an excuse to do that, it just makes him sound like less of a lush. So be it.

I was amused that he believed I would be so petty as to ruin his visit for my children just to serve my selfish desire to emasculate him and attack him after he bothered to travel the 1400 miles to Texas. I would appreciate it if in the future he chose not to measure me with the same ruler he uses to measure himself. Seriously. Insert massive eye roll.  

Realization Number Three

The second incident happened the following day.

The children were at school and I was about to depart for class leaving him behind in my apartment. He looked like he was hoping I would share more about what I was studying. For a moment I found myself fighting the ancient urge to please him and give him what he wanted, even if it was at my own expense. I paused my mental process and took stock in the situation and when I realized what was motivating me to want to spill the beans, I clammed up and shared nothing.

He doesn’t have a right to my personal life anymore.

Realization Number Four

I was frightened at how easily I was falling into old habits. Take up the same broken role that had kept me bound to him.

I was angry because he was, with my compliance, again manipulating me to get me to reveal everything about myself, while he revealed and shared nothing about himself in return.

I was able to escape the apartment without sharing anything of consequence. I mumbled some excuses. A quick trip to check my hair in the bathroom gave me the chance to change the subject without having it turn into a scrimmage for power. But I was still pissed at myself for being so weak.

Realization Number Five

The entire week and into the weekend I would see mr horrible watching me like a hawk, studying me as if he was waiting for something to change in my demeanor. Inwardly I was bored with him. I had nothing to talk about, any questions I had for him were only morbid curiosity and not genuine need to know. I didn’t actually have anything to say to him. Even the children were bored with him, spending most of their time comfortable in their room playing on their computers or doing their homework after school.

I could see the disappointment on his face that they were not in his face every spare moment, seemingly dying for his attention.

Realization Number Six

The geographic separation enabled me to show them what a positive parental relationship should look like and what one feels like. It has allowed them to establish their home as their sanctuary, secure in the knowledge that they know where they stand. By comparison, his conditional fake affection and out of the blue visit is not compelling enough to break them from their regular routine.

He strove to put a positive spin on their distance. He claimed it was a sign of how comfortable they were with us being so nice to each other. Not sure how he came to that conclusion. They were comfortable in the homes we had when we were fighting. So not sure how this is any different. My replay was that I would have been more concerned if they had been all over him. But not for the reasons he assumed I would have been concerned.

Fact is I have worked intentionally to help them understand who their father is as a person. Loving someone because they are your parent does not require you having to put up with their garbage. Then it would be possible for them to love mr horrible because he is their father while at the same time seeing him for the failure of a man he actually is.

Realization Number Seven

Was he really struggling to be around me? Or had be reverted to being a raging alcoholic. That first day I left him alone for three hours and by the time I returned from my first round of classes, he had polished off an entire bottle of white wine.

I would have been concerned, but I took his consumption as a sign that he was intimidated by me. That being in my environment threw him off and he was out of his element.

The second day we went out to a dinner movie theater with the kids and he had four beers during the two hour movie. Good thing I was driving (and not drinking). The third day I drove him to the liquor store so he could purchase a bottle of rum, which was finished halfway by the fourth day. So sad.

I was so at peace, and not bothered by the loser that he turned out to be that I confused him. He did not know what to make of me. I think by the time he left he had convinced himself that he had managed some great feat, being around me and not getting into an argument. What he doesn’t realize is that nothing in his behavior was any different than the fourteen years he had shown prior.

Epiphany #1

What had changed in the equation was me.

I was no longer shackled into playing the role that made him comfortable, instead I was myself, and he was not even in my league. I will not take the visit having gone smoothly as cause to let down my guard should future visits occur. That would be tactically foolish, as the major advantage I have is that he continues to underestimate me.

Epiphany #2

However, I will not be surprised if his comments applauding the life I have carved out for myself turn out to be a thin veneer hiding his true jealous and hateful nature. If his demeanor is not improved in the coming days since his return East, I will know that his words were like all his other words prior, empty of any actual meaning because they not be backed by any supporting action.

If he continues to be a total douchebag to me from NJ then I will know he was totally full of shit. I hope that he is actually trying to turn over a new leaf. I am not going to hold my breath.

I can’t afford to forget these valuable lessons. I will need them to move forward in regaining my sense of who I used to be prior to becoming the other version of me that stayed in that toxic relationship.