Doing jack shit this NYE

So what are you doing for the holiday?

I wish people would stop asking me this because my answer is jack and shit. I’m broke, I’m depressed, and my family is psychotic. So no, I won’t be doing anything special this holiday. It’s just gonna be me, my two sons, and my cats.

I’ve been on a forced sabbatical for months.

A delicious euphemism for unemployment. A layoff is demoralizing. I was given no reason to explain why, so my brain went cuckoo bananas and chipped away at my self-confidence. Had they fired me, I could have blamed myself for something I did and worked to avoid repeating those mistakes instead. But instead I had nothing.

It took me almost a month for me to emerge from my bedroom. I lay in bed and slept for what felt like a week straight, too lethargic and depressed to even read a book or watch TV. Get on the computer and look/apply for jobs? Ha! I’d have rather cut my own throat.

Another month passes still wrapped in a pain cocoon. The kids are older, so they don’t press me much, but they do reach a limit with mommy’s bad times. The oldest says no more with my downy dumps and get my shit together. My youngest expressed concern because of my apathetic attitude about my financial straits. He also told me to get my shit together and start acting responsible.

I appreciated their candor. I have good kids 🙂

Their intervention lit the proverbial fire under my ass. I tweaked my resume, and updated my LinkedIn profile (which apparently was hella outdated). I’ve had several interviews, but so far no dice. But I’m not feeling like killing myself yet, and it has given me time to work on other things.

I’m writing again. Sadly, I gave writing up as I threw myself 110% into my job, which I realize was a mistake. Especially now that I have nothing to show for that dedication but a blurb on my CV. Live and learn. Back to the personal grind and it feels real pretty good.

I still haven’t told my mother/brother combo because they’re already two steps too close to my life. They both think they have some kind of vested interest in telling me what to do. So fuck no, I haven’t said a word. My kids are good at keeping their mouths shut. It took me 4 months to break down and finally tell my oldest friend. I trust him not to say anything about it to my brother (with whom he is also friends) and it helps that he lives in another city.

Is it wrong to pretend my old schedule is still a thing just to keep my mother from hounding me daily?

Maybe, but I have zero fucks to give about that. I’ve written a bit about the broken relationship with my mother here.

So what will I be doing this New Years Eve? Nothing, maybe getting drunk at home. Who knows? But I know what I won’t be doing: spending time with anyone other than my kids, or going out to spend money I don’t have.

So what are you doing for the holiday?