Rewriting the Food Script

Is this what stress feels like when you have enough time to feel your feelings? I’ve walked to the park by myself. I felt like if I didn’t do something, I was going to come out of my skin.

Old habits die hard

Because I think old me would have eaten something or gone somewhere and tried to shop to distract myself. But not anymore.

I was explaining to my son the other day that ever since I got my hormones regulated and the food noise stopped, I realized that I had developed a lot of unhealthy coping habits that revolved around eating my feelings. Overwhelmed with feelings? Eat my way into a food coma.

Can’t do that here. If there’s one big change about Guatemala, it is that it is not set up for convenience. I mean, yeah, with enough money, I could replicate the convenience of the US experience.

My relationship with food

I love food. I love to cook. I almost went to culinary school. Except I don’t want to cook for a living. It’s a comfort, hobby, wish-fulfillment sort of thing.

I started cooking for my family when I was in middle school. I offered to take over grocery shopping because it meant I could pick something different when I was at the health food store (the only grocery store I was allowed to shop at because it was on the way home from school).

Why did I take an interest in cooking? Because my mom worked a lot, it was a chore for her. One more thing she had to do when she got home. So we ate the same meals on repeat.

But I wanted something different to eat.

The food script

My father had cable TV, and when I would visit him in NY, I would spend hours watching FoodTV network. These are hella early days. Before that, I watched Julia Child and the Frugal Gourmet on PBS at home. So I knew that despite our limited menu, there was more out there that I could make myself, especially since we couldn’t afford to eat out.

Food became comfort, creative control. Something mine in a house where everything else was about my mother. Decades later, without realizing it, my relationship with food became complicated. It became the thing that I used to not feel anything. Food and eating got complicated in the years after I left the Navy as a stay-at-home mom.

Unconsciously too. Between the food noise, the stress, and being too busy to process anything, I had turned the simple act of eating into a long form of punishment. Everything I ate made me feel guilty. If I didn’t eat, I felt guilty. If I bought too much food and didn’t eat it, I felt guilty.

The land of excess had become my excess.

Guatemala is different

I’ve only been in Guatemala for 4 months, and I have realized that I took for granted the convenience of cooking anything I wanted in the US. Despite rising food prices, it is still easier to get any ingredient I want in the US. Especially not-so-healthy foods. Junk food, highly processed convenience foods. They are everywhere, and sometimes those are the less expensive food options.

Compare that to Guatemala, and the opposite is true. It costs me more money to eat junk food and convenience food than it does to eat healthy, fresh food. I have turned the act of shopping for food into an experience.

I only buy what I can reasonably make. The fridge in this kitchen is small, as is typical for most Guatemalan kitchens (except for those built to cater to a more American sensibility).

The immersive experience

I made a pact with myself that while I was here, I would learn to live like a local. Experience the cultural norms. And that meant shopping for my food in the local open-air markets and the neighborhood grocery store versus shopping at Walmart. It’s been an experience.

None of this would have been possible had I not quieted the food noise. As a result, I have a new awareness of food triggers. I’m aware of the emotional eating versus eating because I’m hungry. And that’s monumental for me.

Surprise, surprise

So when I found myself not in the mood to eat regular food, no energy to cook a meal, but instead wishing I had junk food lying around the house, I knew something was up. Why did I want to stuff my face with corn chips if I wasn’t even hungry?

Therefore, I did what any reasonable person does when they can’t stop thinking about corn chips: I asked Perplexity if I was mineral-deficient. Surprise, surprise.

My cravings were a typical response to being stressed and overwhelmed with feelings.

Perplexity suggested I journal, meditate, or work on my writing. It also suggested I take a walk outside. The old me would not have done any of that. So I got dressed and left the house. As I walked, I thought about what the old me would have done instead of taking this walk to process these extra emotions.

This isn’t going to be a revelation to any gym devotees out there, but I doubt they’re reading this post anyway.

I walked around, me and my thoughts, instead of me and a bag of chips, or me and a plate of cookies. It’s a whole new experience. I walked home and took a shower. And guess what? I actually felt better.

Imagine that.