Verbal Hostage Situation

What is it called when someone does something bad, reprehensible, unforgivable, and time passes, and before you know it, they are back in your space acting like nothing ever happened? Rug sweeping? Emotional invalidation? Conflict erasure? Whatever it’s called, my brother is guilty of it all the time.

In fact, he called me a few days ago out of the blue and acted like he didn’t blow up our relationship six months ago by being the biggest jackass in the world. No apology. No acknowledgment of a falling out and my consequential radio silence. He literally called me and said he wanted to “catch up,” like I hadn’t told him to fuck off forever in October.

This pattern of behavior is typical. Thanks to some algorithm-aided research, I decided that the only strategy I have to deal with people like my brother, who refuse to leave me alone, is to give them nothing to use against me. To respond to their questions with a question in return, which gives them an opening to talk about themselves, which is their favorite subject.

Phone calls with my brother can go one of two ways. He could call with the actual intention to have a discussion about something. Atypical and rare. Or it turns into a one-way platform for his TED talk about whatever idea has crawled up his ass and died that he feels it is necessary to pontificate to me about. This is the usual modus operandi.

Why me? Because my mother is probably either tired of hearing about it, or he assumes (whether correctly or incorrectly) that she wouldn’t understand the topic, and I would. However, he also seems to think he is the smartest human on the planet, that all the thoughts in his head are unique and important, and that leads him to feel compelled to mansplain my existence to me.

Case in point, this phone conversation. When I left the States back in 2025, part of our fallout was that he thought my traveling to Guatemala by car was stupid, dangerous, and a bad idea. That he didn’t want me to do it. I didn’t give two shits what he thought since I had never asked for his opinion, nor did I need his approval to do whatever the fuck I wanted. And I traveled to Guatemala overland by car, without incident, without assistance, and without input from him.

So imagine my dismay when he decided that his platform for change in 2026 is to act as if my being in Guatemala is somehow a benevolent act of God, and also partly his idea.

Why is this my life?

The conversation started fake enough. As expected, he acted as if nothing had ever happened, as he asked me how Guatemala was. I thought for sure he’d interrogate me. Pester me for specifics about how I’ve been spending my time. And maybe he would have continued to ask me questions, but considering I didn’t even want to have this conversation and was giving him nothing to work with, the instant he had an opening to segue into his topic of interest, he took over the conversation and talked for the next hour without stopping.

He covered his job, his hobbies, and the little projects he was working on. All was described to the smallest detail with the least regard for my level of interest. He talked about how much he wanted to come to Guatemala (OMG don’t threaten me with your presence here too 😭). I don’t even remember most of what he said. I have impressions of suppressing the need to correct him during this speech.

Then it morphed into him informing me that he has come to a decision about MY LIFE.

He started talking about how he has concluded, after some thought, that my being here, in Guatemala, is a good thing. I don’t recall asking for his approval that he has so benevolently bestowed. The gall.

Apparently, he has decided that my being here is divine intervention because he and my mother have wanted to do something about the house, and what a boon that I was going to be here, so I could execute their plans for them. Fulfill their wishes and dreams for the property. Also, when did my decision to move to Guatemala become about them? I missed that memo.

His audacity knew no bounds as he continued to astound me with his thoughts. Such as: How great is it that I was granted this opportunity?! That I should be grateful to be in this situation. Does he mean the situation where I lost my job? That’s gross. He actually asked (rhetorically as it turns out): “Wasn’t I happy to realize how blessed I am to have this opportunity, and I needed to make sure to open my eyes and see it.” Seriously. As if I am not the one living my life.

His entire speech about my circumstances gave me the ick. The whole time he spoke at me, (emphasis on the at, because it was not with), I was thinking to myself how often this pattern with him has repeated itself. How often has he done something reprehensible and let time pass and then popped back into my life mid-conversation like not only was he blameless of being the biggest asshole, but that he did not owe me an apology?

The more he talked, the more I dissociated. He didn’t even notice that I wasn’t replying to any of his statements with anything more than a grunt or a noise to keep him moving along.

I only maintained my sanity because I was playing a game on my computer when he called, and I didn’t stop playing while he was talking to me. I knew he wouldn’t require my active participation in his “conversation,” and I use that term very loosely. By definition, a conversation is (according to Merriam-Webster):

1 a (1) : oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas.

I am not sure he actually knows the meaning of the word. Because every conversation we’ve ever had, for the most part, is a lecture. Him lecturing me about something he feels he knows the most about. Him monologuing like a villain without regard for his audience. His conversations are verbal hostage situations, and there is no negotiating him off the ledge.

At the hour point of his telephone call, where his thought process had reached an inevitable conclusion, and there was (to my knowledge) no more to say on the subject, he taunted me with the lie that he didn’t intend to tie up my evening (yes, he did) and that he was keeping it short (no, he wasn’t). And as I was about to help him off the phone, he thought of something else he had to say. I lost count of how many levels of my game I had progressed through, but it was clear that he was not quite done, even if I absolutely was.

After another fifteen minutes of saying nothing of value, and even revisiting topics already talked to death, I was able to usher him off the phone. My freedom was hard won.

This mansplaining of my life situation to me without any actual understanding or knowledge of how to actually live my life, THAT is my irritation. And I can’t argue with him about it because there is no point. His existence is a black hole – information will enter and neither escape to see the light of day, nor reach its intended destination (his brain).

Is he really this obtuse? I am curious if he is even aware that I don’t want to talk to him. I am curious if he is cognizant of his rude behavior and if he is consciously choosing to act as if nothing happened? I am curious, but not stupid. I know that I will never find the answer to this and many other questions regarding my brother. He is just not self-aware enough for any kind of self-reflection. Certainly, no introspection that would lead him to meaningful revelations.

In the end, my only option is to dissociate and listen to him pontificate about whatever prompted him to call me, as if we are the greatest of friends – although he treats me more as if I were a simple relation too touched in the head to fully grasp my own life.